Fill my h3art with s0ng, and l3t m3 sinG Forev3r m0r3 . . .

mia

2006-02-10T19:03:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

missin in action since...hk trip.no urge to write whatsoever, dano what to write also. so much has happened the past 3 months.life has been pretty routine, sprinkles of spices here n there.
it has been 6 weeks since school started.thats fast.this sem's modules are horrible,if u see the lecturers who are teaching them,really practically fatal,ok la,except organic chemistry,muz admit prof ng s c is good.thermo...tutor's great,so not much complaints.baozhongs for the remaining 4,including my elective.price to pay for choosin a no-exam module...2 graded reports,1 project and 1 random quiz.duh.8 more weeks to go plus a month of exams to a 3-month break!just endured a hectic week with 2 reports,maths homework due at the end of the week.
much has been going through my mind these few months.much problems and issues yet to be clarified.wanna talk,but dano how to.:(...shld i find out what u r thinkin?

airport

2005-12-08T10:25:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*
ooh...updating at the airport again.now at terminal 2,had a great isqueeze massage with full view of planes taking off...(an SQ airbus juz took off...)still feels so happy to see aeroplanes.
though,feels weird,i dun feel as excited as usual to fly...really had too much fun at gp yesterday and the past week...2 weeks not seeing them...hmmz...sighz.(yea!my fav megatop juz took off...pretty sight).i miss my kaimazai...hahaz,she said she would buy kirby toy for me (comes with the mac happy meal)...yEa.my fav character in chicken little.young at heart young at heart...wahahaz.
gotta go back to terminal 1 le...have a nice cup of coffee before boarding,dad treat,dun lugi.haa.shall update when have the chance in hk...

thotz

2005-12-02T16:40:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

i held up my hp...and put it back down again...not the first time doing this.why am i trying to search for a reason to msg...many thots running in my mind...did i say something wrong yesterday...?one day,no...less than 24 hours since.wth's wrong with me...hais.mood swings again.

excuses.

u do have an idea what's wrong.

sadz...

2005-11-30T23:01:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

sudden realization.i have been so naive.hais,nv felt like this before,but today when i went back,i was hugging my laptop,wonderg where can i go.everyone's busy with their work,wth am i doing...extra.it was uncomfortable.even where i stand,i feel i'm in the way,somehow.more of hindrance than help.to help,seriously,i dun mind doing it for free.but,it seems...i'm not even an employee,what can i do.i'm not even "teacher rhoda" anymore.kids are just used to calling me that thats all.
accompany geraldine...ya ok la,today had much fun,chatting,and all.but...hmmz...think her mum prefers that she help out seriously instead of interacting.what shld i do...take for instance what happened in the pa level in the hall today.either they dun understand there can be fun and serious work at the same time,or they juz prefer serious work done and nothing else.
tmr...rehearsal.just go with angela i guess.they need help i offer what i can...if not...hais,dun be extra.
sick...am i pms-sing...=(...

340am

2005-11-30T03:38:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

its 340am in the morning,can't believe i not in bed.well...if i'm at home,there wun be a chance to be here.i'm in hall now.somehow,feel that i wanna type an entry.
i have to wake up at 730am tmr,and set off for gp at 8am with dark eye rings,dreamy looks(they say i always have that look anyway).i had a headache juz now most probably due to the lack of sleep,my eyelids are heavy,feels groggy.but still wanna finish this entry before i go to bed.
so many things has happened since the hols,yea it has only been the 4th day of holidays.things always happen during holidays doesn't it...well at least,to me,holidays are the most happening.incidents/surprises which will cause a significant change to my veh routine life.this is the first holiday of my university life...must say it didn't disappoint me:).
at the rate things are going,i cannot deny that i do have flashbacks and worries about history repeating itself.however,up till now,i have to admit that i feel differently.happy,yes.today,things have gone up to a higher level.no,i did not feel the urge to retreat.but i still have my reservations,i have my own mind and emotions to overcome.the most important thing is...subconciously,self delusioned or not,i have set my own boundaries...as long as therez still an element of uncertainty,this barrier will always be there.
many times...i have to keep things to myself...i can't say anything,much as i want to.sighz...what's in store...i really wanna know...i'm tired.

dilemma

2005-11-27T19:07:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

i'm in a dilemma...n theres only this few ppl i can talk to about the situation...feel theres something big going to happen soon...hais...positive or negative...clueless...uncertain.y nebula haven finished her dinner...y i can only meet kaimazai for few days.yup there are things to be...really happy for.but...it didn't come easy.and...it will come with a price...sighz.what should i do...shld i follow my heart...?i know where my heart heads...but i know the consequences too...
rhoda arh rhoda...after exams le...got another big problem to test u...and u dun have much time...
flying soon...this whole week is packed,weekends big nono...and iceskating session not packed in yet!movie too!and what about dinner...catching up,sleepovers...a week left to arrange everything...or else things will have to be postponed to after i come back...which will b about one week before school reopens...
speaking of sch reopening...seems i lookg forward to it coz i will see the results of my newly adopted studying method...not looking forward to it...coz...oh well,who will look forward to SCHOOL...blazt.
i seem to have much affinity with ppl whose names start with J...hMmMz...strange...

happy

2005-11-27T13:22:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

feels great to be happy!to wake up early in the morning...in such a good mood...hope everyday would be the same!2nd day of the hols and feels great...more to anticipate...rIgHt?:).

...can't help but experience that special feeing...i sure hope it isn't wrong...whateva...

so nice to be happy!~!~!~!

or...

2005-11-24T18:41:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
dOeS iT?

@,@

2005-11-14T21:32:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

...absence DOES make the heart grow fonder...

tired

2005-11-04T12:06:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

so dead tired.for the past week break,have been cooped up at home the whole time except for the trip with mum back to bb to meet up with the housing agent regarding the sale of the house.every night,mum will ask "min ni yao du dao ji dian..."...i really do not know how to answer her.don't wanna worry her.
what kind of life is this.can't wait for this sem to be over.somehow feel that the next sem will be better,well its always the case isn't it...and when next sem comes i can't wait for it to be over.sucky.at least i know i will whine about this for about another 7 times or so...how many sems can there be in my uni life...
hall.the exam venues are all opposite my hall...4 out of 6 are morning papers.feel the great resistance of going back to stay.can't sleep well,and don't want to risk the good rest which would affect my concentration the next day for convenience.would rather wake up early,travel.feel more at ease at home.yah,spoilt princess ppl say,i feel so myself even.but at least i know where i feel will bring out the best in me.
evaluation of myself so far.being the only child,parents have been protective of me.everything's well taken care of so that i can concentrate on what i'm supposed to do.studies,come thus far,gained entry into university.academic wise ok,when it comes to being independent,making my own decisions...i still have such a long way to go.19 and a half years old...so what.can't even slice an apple properly.ok,i'm scared of the blade.can prepare a simple meal for myself yes.what else.countable.sighz.
i do have a temper.but i can say its nothing like those real "princesses".what i feel comfy with...lets see...i need SPACE.SpAcE that i can fiddle around with,do whatever i want,without any external disturbances.more often than not,situations will not allow much flexibility in this "space" i want.people will think how come i will be missing-in-action for sometime,and come back again sometimes.hmm...mia=in a world of my own.i want to keep to myself sometimes,is this the effect of being an only child?not growing up with any of my peers,not needing to fight for what i want,not needing to quarrel,not needing to accomodate much,stubborn,reluctant to change.or is it a sign of slight autism.guess not...autistic kids have a special talent...i have none.ohyah,to digress abit...have seen a kid diagnosed with autism and gotten along quite well with him for quite sometime,shall not mention who.but i have seen (to my amazement),how excellent he is with numbers,and how he has handled numbers the way no one of his age can.
back to my topic.hmm...but still,during the times i prefer to be mia,people i love and care are still in my mind.just hope they will understand.
hais...i'm a hard nut to crack.this space of mine...takes time for me to open up.

enough of these thoughts.will go crazy soon if i have to handle all these together with laplace transforms and mitosis blah blah.stuff all these into my head,make sure they stay in there till i call them out during the paper.after the papers i shall dump them and fill my head with the list of activities i shall engage in...to list a few,yEsH,iceskating,movies,driving with the windows down and music blasting,nice splashing time at the pool,nice whacking moments at ball games,simple happy moments when i go back to see my baobei litta "shumbirdy"!,kaimazai and the many ppl who made a difference to the first six months of 2005,long hours spent in front of the BOX (namely the tv),and wonder if i will get a temp job-call at gp...haha dreaming,but no harm *hints to glze.;).what else what else...shall keep these at the back of my head for the moment.

breaktime over...so long...back to the notes.*25th nov seems so far away...

so long...

2005-10-07T12:03:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

how many moons didn't update le.so cut off from world like that it seems.
ever since that breakdown,trying to pick myself up,change my attitude towards things so as to make life better.so far i believe things are changing for the better,at least i'm not on the verge of exploding when i have so many lectures and tutorials to catch up on, nor will i be so devastated when anything suddenly disrupts my schedule and i m not able to finish my work again.not too devastated,but worried la.anywayz,now...i'm lagging happily like that...i still have so many things to do,but feel relaxed...hahaz,or is it so that its going to accumulate and i'm going to have a serious major breakdown someday.there's 4 weeks left to start of the first sem exams...seriously...i have no confidence at all.they dun give us any break to revise and catch up at all..aiya the system sux la.there never seems to be enough time to revise...in all my life as a student.rather...fantasizing of where on earth is fun and nice to revise my work...maybe go back green pastures...ha!so many tests gone through le...it all seems so...in a daze.its like...ok therez going to be a quiz (again!)next week...study...ok...finish it.thats it.anywayz,not doing too well overall.hais.4 years of these...manz i'm going to enjoy myself,give myself a big break before stepping into the working society.
i wanna play ball!any kind of ball games...feel this lack of exercise and lack of ways to vent all my inner frustrations is getting to me...haha itching to whack.and yah..ice-skating too!hehez...tootz!
all this travelling to and fro from school,taking up half of my day already,then i have to complete my work.i feel that i'm living in a fantasy world of my own,thinking of whateva's in my life that makes me happy...and whateva that will be in my life that will make me happy,and not even knowing if they will be realised at all or not. now the only way i'm in touch with all my frens is thru sms...feels,virtual.hais.
i realised all that i'm feeling now,it feels dreamy...its all part of my imagination.sometimes i can feel very happy,sometimes i can be so bothered about things i suddenly think of then it will affect what i feel.some sort like a split personality...scary.hais...haha i need some therapy;).
but whatever it is...to all my dearie frens...i'm still thinking of uall...although i dun chat much or what...feel just very much xinfu that uall appeared in my life=).
wanna change my blog template...will try at these html stuff after november 25th!!yEsH...last day of exams.will be one crazily happy ger for the hols!

week 2 down

2005-08-09T13:24:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

the backspace button really more of a hindrance.my whole entry got deleted:(.so long la.hais.type again.recalling!
2 weeks have passed since school reopened.so lost.have to struggle between getting used to the system,travelling,getting accustomed to hall life,being organized,being more independent,gaining back my momentum to mug.though its still the lecture-tutorial style like in jc,still cant get used to it,maybe because we are so left on our own,and its like its so happening,no time to really settle down and do work.the workload has to be spread to be completed separately in between activities.squeeze some here squeeze some there.i dun like it,more because i prefer security,sit down,finish all my work and do anything else in peace with one worry down.prefer to plan,there will be this time allocated to my work and make sure i finish everything within this period.seems in uni,flexibility is the key to being an all-rounder.sighz.
my course,as i heard everyone says so,even my mentor,hard work is necessary,difficult course to complete.my mentor said (btw,hez korean,so cool la haha):i look at ur timetable,i wish u goodluck.dun say play,even sleep u have to sacrifice to excel.*gulpz*.true.my first sem is so heavy already without electives.i intended to pursue a minor in business.but the course academic units allocation per sem dun allow...coz i will have to overload (take more than they allocate to u).where do i find the time.guess i just have to be obedient,and give up my minor.hahathen i can take jap.if i take minor i have to sacrifice jap,so now i can take.yEsH.i have to work harder than others for my course,put in double the effort,play less.mum asked me if i regretted my decision.i say no.no course in uni is easy...the degree is not an easy qualification to attain.its just the "work harder" part that i have to persuade myself to accept.
have to work doubly hard,playtime halved.thats y i think hall life will kill me.the hall activities are intensive.i getting quite reluctant and tired coz i will have to put aside my work which is already piling.pros and cons la.pros:i can go back to rest and have some quiet time to myself in the middle of the day.i dun have to wake up so early for morning lessons.life's different.can chat with nanping till latelate.cons:activities,temptations,have to decide what and where to eat for dinner,have to pack stuff to go home and pack to come back. going back later.
chatted with popojiejie last night for two hours plus.she talked about her experiences then told me her thoughts and views and gave advice too (didn't ask,but it just came.haha).i know i am the easily-swayed and influenced type when it comes to decision-making.but surprisingly,no matter how convincing she sounded and how hard she encouraged,i stood my stand.i not sure what made me do that,or was it determination?never felt like this before.hais.anyway i told her what happened last week.her reaction was like:haha,follow ur heart yup,and some comments la.hmm.actually i should be thankful things are ok,like i didn't break any hearts or wad(it seemed things r ok,hais,not going to think about it).he was quite cool about it.that morning coincidentally we met at the busstop,he came to talk.initially it was quite awkward,but subsequently it was ok.he stopped sms-ing,most prob coz of the awkwardness.better to juz remain friends.
oohz.wanna read the bio textbook le.and pack stuff later.mugger!>,<.lOlz...people relax more as their education level get higher...primary sch work hard,sec sch work hard,jc work hard,uni relax.i the other way round.haha never mugged before lor...wun be able to mug much coz got limit,just try ba.;).
feel better than last week...=)

week2 down

2005-08-09T12:53:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
2 weeks have passed since school reopened.it has been a long 2 weeks.i have to adapt to the new environment,system,get independent,more organized,accustom to living in hall,gain my mugging momentum back,trying not to breakdown.sure everyone else will be feeling this way,its just how individuals handle things.
this course is a killer,even my mentor says so.he said: (btw,hez korean,so cool) i look at ur timetable,i say goodluck to u.to do well,dun mention play,u even have to sacrifice sleep.O_o.*sadz*.mum asked if i regretted my decision.i think back.i don't.which uni course is easy to study...the degree is not an easy qualification to attain.its just that my course requires more hard work put in than others.(this the part i tryin so hard to accept).looking back,whenever met with challenges,i never fail.yup never fail to complain and whine.but in the end i still hv to go through the tough period.going to need so much support and encouragement to go thru these 4 years.
hall life has its pros and cons.pros:can come back to rest or have some quiet time to myself in the middle of lessons when therez a long break or sth,can go back to rest in a shorter time (less the travelling time home),can chat with nanping till late late.hahaz.cons: activities which will take up so much revision time,getting sick n tired of it.not anti-social,but feel frustrated coz i have to set my work aside again.independent life.have to fight for cca points.having to pack to go home for weekends and pack to go back before sch starts.deciding what to eat for dinner.have to prepare breakfast.have to ji3 the stupid shuttle bus which is always packed.
chatted with popojie last night for 2 hours.she talked about her experiences and haha keep telling me her thoughts and advice on things.haha.i believe i'm the type who are easily swayed and influenced when it comes to decision-making.but surprisingly,i stood by my stand,i knew in my heart.never felt like this before.but issit really what i thought or issit just determination.seems nobody can tell me the answer.hahaz.then told her about what happened last week.she was like:haha u did the right thing lo...just follow your heart.hmm...at least he was cool about it...didn't break any hearts(or it seemed he was ok)...met at the busstop coincidentally.initially was awkward,but after that quite normal.thankful.his sms-es stopped.better to remain juz frens.
gotta go back later.thinking about the dinner and dance thing.dun mind the fun.but mind the money and the dressing up part,and time sacrificed.cos popo comin to cook that day.sighz.

camp

2005-07-27T19:17:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

has been two days since uni started.y ntu so kiasu start one week earlier arh.people start august leh.first day of school was this welcome ceremony...light-up ceremony and the pledge taking.hais.utter waste of time.one and a half journey for this type of thing.hais,for the goodie bag la,the organiser looks presentable,but so sad,year of 2005 going to end soon,so the organiser can't really be made fully use of.i had only one lecture the next day.sighz,one and a half hour journey for a one-hour lecture.collected my matric card first,then met grace who directed me to lt1a...haha then met szeyin on the way who walked with me to lt1a.haha i have to go to lt1 not lt1a la...then its like...sighz so lost.lucky used my instincts and got to lt1 eventually.saw tina there and sat with her.hoho so coincidentally we are in the same tutorial class,good,wun get that lost.i'm the blur-er kind.first lecture was ok.relieved that i can actually follow and use the skills taught that day cos i was so tired.
okz...third day of school.due to flag day,lessons are cancelled.yay get to rest.missed green pastures,so went down.haha met auntie ah hui first downstairs then she was so happy and surprised,haha.then went upstairs to see chenlaoshi...then went into the room to find kaimazai!!(she on computer duty today i noe haha.she n ms khee together mah,so can see both!=D).talk talk talk.then en en came up.haha played around la like kids lor...taking photos of butts...hoHoz..whose butt...shall not say..haha!hais.miss them so much lor.then went downstairs cos the kids got tea-time.other than my kaimazai saw something veh unpleasant,dun wish to mention it.haha anyway fast forward!!then chatted with honghong mrs lee blahblah.haha SaMe PrECiOuS MoMEnTs la...HEhz...waited for the sleeping children to come out,allblurblur...only amanda called hello teacher rhoda,hon yeong came and stared at me and said eh u come back already,haha.others like veh shy to see me lidat.my dear jerome oso blur blur stared at me for such a long time!due to the chicken pox hez so skinny la...hais xintong lor=(.went to talk to him later,he recognises rhoda jiejie.*smiles,tian zai xin li lor*.walked out with kaimazai later.went home.
kz.the hall 9 orientation camp!yay first and foremost my og the bOmbErS got the best OG award 2005!!haha so high lor.anywayz,the camp was fun.programmers and gLs were veh enthusiastic and can see the effort they put into organising this camp.isn't easy,yay 3 cheers for gLs and programmers!games were creative,things we tried out were exclusive and once-in-a-lifetime.namely,the 3m and 5m dive into the pool,confidence fall (u are blindfolded and led to believe u r jumping off the building to a safety net when actually u just fall of the ledge of the table onto a matress),drain-walk (really underground with water running...therez a high wall at the end where the whole group have to think of a way to get the whole group up),shui shang piao (run on floats then aim to throw the ball into the bucket),and the many games designed to improve and test team spirit.beach games were the best,hathough there was no sun,still got tanned,but not burnt,haha face black black la.haha events too many to describe sia and too fun too!bombers champion of finale la!oOsH,that feeling is good la,cos the last leg of the race is the caterpillar walk,so xinku lor...cos all of us are drained and still have to heave and push ourselves cross the finishing line,muscleache.hehz.bOmBeRs gLs:MELisSa,ZhAoweI,zIWEi.bOmBeRs:JiAhAo,ErNeSt,CunYanG,EdmUnD,mA nAn,DiAnA,ZhEnQi,ShArOn,cLaRa,mE!

not staying hall till i recover which is probably next week.see how ba.haha hall life...not really experienced yet.the camp didn't let us really rest much,every day ends abt 2pm,then as u r all dirty and sweaty u have to bathe and clean up ur clothes and stuff...dilly dally till 4 plus then wake up at 7 plus to report for next day.everyday for 5 days.

made gd frens...wonder whats uni life like ahead...haha

changing

2005-07-09T19:44:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
looking around me...observed that everybody's changed.natural process,but still feels weird.type of change i'm referring to...outlook,thoughts,behaviour,attitudes.have i changed?known myself to be quite resistant to changes,but don't know have i unknowingly changed to adapt to this ever-changing world and my expectations.time to grow up.can't remain stagnant.
the future seems so exciting yet so full of doubts.full of anticipation yet therez still the presence of my reluctance to leave my comfort zone and experience life.

its 2 weeks to start of uni life.haven't really got the taste of uni kind of fun yet while people have had theirs at the orientation camp.haha,waiting for mine!though my application's submitted without the photo.heck.giam and dun want to waste one photo.spending what i'm earning,can say i'm handling quite alright.wondering will i get my pocket money when i enter uni cos i will not have an income by then.hMmz.DaDdY!!

my last week in green pastures.6 months past just at the twinkling of the eye.remembered how i felt when i first started work on the 5th of jan.trying to memorise the kid's names,trying to get them to talk to me and stuff.colleagues were still strangers to me.i was just a temporary staff.but now they are my friends,the ones who took care of me (because i'm the youngest among them and kiddiest),and ones whom i have bonded with.not forgetting my kaimazai.fate brought us closer,giving us the chance to really open up.will always treasure times together.will miss them*sobz*.what thoughts will i have in this last week...how will i feel on friday...full day with kaimazai.should i be sad because i can't bear to leave,or be cheerful because its the last week and i should be as happy as possible...precious moments after all...

hard to forgive.but its not impossible.

2005-06-06T20:10:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

its so difficult to forgive and forget.much easier said than done.takes strength to put everything down.felt so wei qu.but as i thought things through,i find myself much relieved of the burden.its an amazing feeling.really wonder if i had grown up at all after going through this process?hahaz...know its childish to keep thinking about things,be stubborn and emphasize my stand,but sometimes its difficult to control.haha,so find it an accomplishment that i can forget things now.hahaz.shall not address the issue.now i can face the parties involved with much ease and less...conflict in my heart.happy.

celebrated kai ma zai's birthday on the 1st of june.hahaz.just a simple dinner after work.haha some unhappy instances when the neocard machine bullied me...haha.whatever.the key refused to budge when i was choosing the shoot to be printed,and it remained at the most undesirable picture...=\.feel that i'm the youngest when i'm among my colleagues.well,i am in fact.but in terms of thinking processes and reaction towards certain issues,i'm still immatured compared to them.or maybe i'm deluded by the fact that i'm so much younger that what i do have to so-called...suit my age.

i'm a near-perfectionist i just realised.things have to be just right for me to feel satisfied.what i expect of others and myself will break me some time.trying to free myself.have witnessed what this type of mentality can do to a person...and i don't like it.have warned myself not to become like this.

feel happy when we msg.but i'm not sure will i live up to what is required of me.in terms of time,commitment.shall take things as they go.wonder when will fate come knocking.haha...shall make it knock some day.but am happy with the way things are going...the rate as well.not sure what he is thinking though.feel that i shouldn't live for myself and start to think more for others in this case,apparently feel ok.

last month at green pastures.will miss the people there...most of them.and the kids too.has been a wonderful six months,ups and downs.not going to think of the farewell..but going to treasure these few weeks.hope the farewell won't be that difficult.hehez...

alumni band prac rocks.feels good to play in the band.everyone knows when exactly to cut the note short,end nicely,the kind of tone and style to play the melody with...makes playing more enjoyable.haha though sectionals is slack...specifically the euphoniumz...lOlz..sshhh.hun guo qu de.

so far...life's ok.going to experience new life the next month.uni life.wonder what's in store.still waiting for a reply though,but it wlil come in july/august.haiz.like i always say...shall take things as they go.

martin going to p0p le!hahaz.good for him.hope and pray things go well for him in his studies.give him the strength and determination to fight through.

bus rides give quality thinking times.so much to ponder through.haha but right now...i just want to daydream and fantasize.shall update soon i hope.hope friends are doing well...shall see them in uni soon!takecare.

dano how many months neh come le

2005-05-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
wonder when was the last time since i updated..or rather...came online..haha.this is nuts.remember in the past sorta addicted to coming online,now dun even feel like doing so.haha maybe i have set my priorities;).nothing much happened all these while.received letters.now pondering.quite in a dilemma.parents accompanying me to the respective openhouse to confirm my decision.resorted to quite some methods to aid in the decision-making process...haha...mum got two 'qian's from guanyin temple,n jy consulted her tarot cards.haha.not supposed to be influenced by the outcome coz the ball is always in my court and in the end i have to make the decision myself,but muz admit i will always go back to them when i think things through.denz!spent the last weekend in HK!with 4 baobeis,and some parents and mummy!shopping like nobody's business,bargains,bit of an argument with some mainlanders(>,<),muscleaches,fatigueness.think its too rush for a tour.i hate it when therez time constraint.but this trip really influenced my thoughts about studying there,the lifestyle is different.
didn't really have enough sleep since the day i came back,it was a night flight,had to work the next day,driving lessons at night.then full day work the next day with driving lessons...quite burnt out now,another day to survive before i can try to get some good rest and get rid of those eye bags which has disappeared since i worked half-days and gradually reappearing now.

Everyday I Love You

I don't know, but I believe
That some things are meant to be
And that you'll make a better me
Everyday I love you
I never thought that dreams came true
But you showed me that they do
You know that I learn somethng new
Everyday I love you
'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul.
It's a touch when I feel bad
It's a smile when I get mad
All the little things I am
Everyday I love you
Everyday I love you boy
Everyday I love you
'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul
If I asked would you say yes?
Together we're the very best
I know that I am truly blessed
Everyday I love you
And I'll give you my best
Everyday I love you

The End.

LyRiCs fOr "the nice song"=)

22/4/2005

2005-04-22T10:07:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

got a letter from ntu just yesterday...was so happy,spirits high,mood light...mum was just really staring in amazement as i was skipping around the house.haha.my cousin called to ask me out and i was just laughing and crapping all the way...hmm...she thought i was my usual self..well..haha nothing to say.but i had a nightmare last night,quite stupid...all my relatives were in the dream,rvcb,njcsb,kids in green pastures,the maids of the kids in green pastures,baolian and not sure still got who else.its like therez this veh large scale performance,and think rvcb was playing invocation...and...worst part of the dream was the part where my relatives were bringing in their hand-made sadakos one by one either to display or perform...what have i been thinking in the day to have such a dream...either i too crazily happy yesterday or...its becoz MC LI was talking about something dropping from the ceiling!argh,nuts.
have a sudden emergency bell ringing in my head...it happens everytime i have a very important decision to make,choice of schools,CCA,courses,and...issues that concern my life.it will make me want to ponder and consider my choice once through,usually will have new discoveries (mostly negative ones).prompted me to check the course out once again online first thing i woke up this morning .starting to wonder if i can really handle the course.waiting to see what NUS will offer or to see will they even make an offer.=what am i doing.when i didn't receive a single letter i worry,now that i have received one,i worry about another issue.this is not the end...coz therez yet 2 other replies i'm waiting for...so that makes worries x 2,boohooz.must keep myself occupied so wun have time to think so much.
thought will be happy to tell kai ma zai first thing i reach my workplace today...but seems mood not as high as yesterday and not excited anymore.haha kaeden's cake arrives today...wonder if he left a slice for me!hahaz,he doesn't sound very happy that there are two teachers who have the same birthday as him.lOlz...but at least hez generous with his kisses...hOhOz...could never forget the scene where he muacked jerome on his mouth la...>,<.gracious.hope jerome will come today,long time didn't see him already...*sadz*.
hApPy biRthdAy tO wInifReD=).

feb'04 for me,april'05 for her

2005-04-09T12:38:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
could never forget the traumatic experience in feb'04, when nothing has been going right.think in bad times,troughs of life,we are the only ones who can pick ourselves up and let time heal the wounds.family and friends can only provide all the support and advice they can give and the ball is back in your court.to think it through,to move on.
in many instances,i willed myself into denial.not wanting to eat,or rather thinking that i have no appetite at all.refusing to get my spirits up.i heard advice,but chose not to listen at that time.life seemed so meaningless.but its actually all my own doing,i made my own life meaningless.as life went on,time healed wounds.everything starts to fall back in place.looking back,it didn't seem so difficult to think it through after all.i had all the support i could have,if only i tried,things could have gotten better faster.time is wasted.
i look at her.i could feel the pain.i felt it wasn't worth it getting into such a bad state over someone who most probably did not even realise the hurt he has inflicted is so immense.yet i understood that it isn't easy at all to "not think so much" as it is to give the advice.can only be there for her...and pray that she will be able to get over things...soon.
hope she isn't like me,like what i chose to be when things go wrong.
hope i won't be what i used to be...i want to be stronger.can i...?

fUn

2005-04-02T19:06:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

have been going back almost everyday even though therez no need for me to report back to work*~...at first to help alison with her project,now her project's done!!so...go back kajiao here and there,pei alison pack her unbelievably messy classroom hOhOz!can eat with them too for lunch...auntie mingzhu cook veh nice arh...the veggie and the meat dishes.the assam fish on thursday was good.haha veh nan de i say fish is nice coz fish not exactly on my favourites list.found out ms khee(alison) and i are born on the same month and day!so shez older than me by exactly 1* years...hAhAz...we were comparing our ICs then bursting out in laughter and hugs.hOhOz...then auntie ah hui was like, guai bu de ni de jie jie zhe me zhao gu ni.hehez.sorta had much fun when i went back.there are no monetary benefits to consider,but think its the precious moments that matter.mrs lu was also nice enough to let me have my lunch there!and whats more she on diet,so its like,boss didn't eat temp staff eat.haha then meinu baolian was like "laO dA laO dA"...she got her own rhythm and tune la.hAhA cute...still behaving like a young kid.i will shout "meinu meinu!!",then she will reply with her song.haha.accompanied her and mrs lee till night time coz they were on duty.
haha realised very small actions can mean alot...and a few words of appreciation makes a big difference.
though it has been sometime already,i still buey tahun someone's mouth la.kou wu zhe lan,xin kou kai he.better take her son in hand before shooting her mouth off anything she can comment on.sorry dun think her jokes are funny and even consider her words like those of a...b****.think ms khee saw my sudden black face.haha but she understands and knows.hAhA;) way to go meinu#2.
i next tuesday wanna go ice skating...!...

HFM

2005-03-29T08:34:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

8 days leave...first the half day..now the 8 days.school's closed for 10 days due to the outbreak of the HFM disease...more than 20 children got it.the whole school like in jin ji zhuang tai lidat...every red spot is scrutinised,every ulcer not taken lightly.everyday there are new cases.yesterday was the worst,after the good friday holiday theres a sudden outbreak,think in actual fact all the kids got the virus already,just depends on whether their immune system is strong enough to fight and defend the body.most prob they ate some rubbish during the weekend,let down their guard and pOoF.
hAi...the teachers have to go back...i no need liao for this period of time...sian...8 days is a long time.what can i do...sian si le la.
...looking forward to an overseas call...

19-3-2005

2005-03-19T17:56:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

now feeling veh high...dano y...like blasting music now ...and completed my university application forms.had a long talk with parents just now coz deciding between two courses.so now just have to sit back and wait for their replies...*pray hard*
so...now dun have to work full day already...half day only...coz the k3 kids will be graduating and advancing to their respective japanese international schools coz their term starts in april.haiz...sadded...and my pay cut into half...longer hours though.what to do..harsh realities of life...getting rid of me slowly...cut me into half first then say byebye.haha.so farewell won't be so difficult seeing me like veh close to the teachers and kids.haha.the supervisor's a nice person.guess she still has to do this since its required of her.haha on very good terms with her daughter as well (lucky boss doesn't know..otherwise think i pulling strings)haha.her daughter dun want her to know,very cute and lively p6 girl,always smsing me.taekwando black belt eh.
so instead of the usual 8.30 to 5.30...i now work from 1-6 unless any teacher is on leave then i have to take over the class.so that means i will have to pray there will be a teacher on leave everyday so that i will still retain my full day pay.haha.
having fun with the kids.other than having mood swings (big ones) now and then, life's pretty simple and routine.seems "no life".feel good when i'm with the kids though.now that i have my morning free...time to get a life!haha.swimming.suntan before going to work.rox.toots on arh!.got a problem,wonder how my wet towels etc are going to last in my bag for 6 hours.>,<
martin's in ns.sometimes hez having a great time (mornings especially,think he should noe what i mean,haha),sometimes he isn't.cheering him on.hope he settles down soon.concerned.
realised i can see myself in teacher pauline.seems we feel the same way towards things,same personality too.whatever we are unhappy or dissatisfied about,we will keep it to ourselves.keep till we baozha and thats it,whatever the consequences.same opinions and views on certain situations.its nice to find someone who have the same thinking as you.
planning what i should do in these forced to be free mornings,given the VERY reduced income..(-_______-).
completed the 4 driving theory lessons.went for two trial tests practices so far.so fAr...SO gOoD...think its confidence boosting.for few unsure parts i reinforce during my free time should be ok.want to start my practical lessons soon,but no money =(.daddy...pls...:D
was chatting with victor just now.haha he veh funny!!so the logo of the school matters.the nj lion very nice,the uniform unique and the building nice,and near his house,so he choose.haha.was sorta cheered up,coz was quite moody in the morning because of the "sudden half-day notice" yesterday.
haha oops i didn't go to NUS openhouse...so wonder who did yl's friends see.;)

results

2005-03-06T23:13:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
the results are out...entering new phase of life it seems!coz its some kind of a relief...no need to worry about results anymore.when first revealed the slip...(coz was keepg it face down all the way from the moment ms lim handed it to me...until was sitting at the grandstand taking deep breaths)...felt its as though the whole world crashed down on me...not sure why the sudden reaction.didn't know what my exact feelings are...just stared and was in a daze...until i called mum to tell her...then just started sobbing...mum always has that effect on me...had the urge to pour everything out to her...
and at the grandstand,both of us sorta opened the slip together.didn't know what to say,didn't know what to do.like...just looked...kept quiet.felt tense.pray everything will be fine.
went back to work later...quite in a daze,not sure how to face baolian or the aunties..coz they sure will ask...and the aunties...hMm..not very sensitive eh?...showed baolian the results slip...i told her i was sad...rather..i showed i was not happy...not unhappy either,but just...not elated.more dreamy than usual.i thought things thru...stared at the kids playing at the playground,i turned to baolian and asked for her opinion..after talkg...saw the light suddenly...feel happy and relaxed...it was a sort of ease that made me feel gd...didn't feel this for a long time already.thanks to baolian.amelia msged me at nite too...and she say wanna treat me!!hehe...got 2 mei nu(s) treating me to a meal...haha...
went to sy's hall to stay that night...crapped loads,got grace too!haha ate macz and junkies,drank green tea...feel GOOD!like...its those simple kind of joy and company with close frens...haha and the hall's not bad...quite nice...clears many doubts about living in a hostel when i enter uni...
miss my frenz...

xin nian chu er

2005-02-10T13:59:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

moved in for 6 days already...things more or less unpacked.the environment's ok..peace and quiet...but thing is still the inconvenience...hmmz...maybe it will train my cooking skills (bleah) since it will not be so convenient for me to buy food in future...wanna buy a nice nice bike so can cycle to central to buy stuff...and suntan too..therez these grasslands around where u can fly kite whatever...
inconvenient as it seems though...therez still the LRT though i hate it.and dun like taking the NEL...dun feel good.sighz feel like i'm living in some resort in the suburb areas...dun feel like home...haven't settled down i guess.haha nono tootz...will surely come out!have to go out k!it only takes me about half an hour to reach bukit timah road surprisingly...so i guess its still ok..therez still the train.yupz...haha shift house dun mean isolation eh!go out soon!ohz..and wanna learn driving!veh excited...hahaz..can drive around soon...
its new year...spent chu yi at home...slackg ard nothing to do...neighbours inviting the xing shi tuan to "wang" their house...heard that my mum's colleague hired one last year and he won the first prize in the "ma biao"...
chu er go visiting...spent some time travelling...but dun seem to be bothered by it..haha...true that a new house environment does change the moods of people?
not working tomorrow...not sure good or bad...but haha its one day of pay gone...5 days of slackg ard...lolz...
lost my voice in chu xi...den chu yi i cant speak at all...chu er can speak a little..but veh deep...sighz...first time losing my voice...can understand the agony of wanting to speak but unable to put the message across...lOlz...and will cough like siao...
life seems...haha different...floating ard...but not unhappy...haha enjoy last year of being a teenager*~;)...
~happy new year~

new hse

2005-02-04T22:59:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
nEw hSe
shifted today...i went to work,only parents and some hired movers did the shifting,i went to work from bb,and went home to new house lohz...now everything feels weird,dano...angela asked me got what gan chu having stayed at bb for so many years and having to shift now...i was speechless...didn't know what to think anyway...now everything's a mess...
just now had dinner at compass point,saw marcus!haha salesman!talked for awhile.
think wun be able to sleep tonight...unfamiliar environment...
wOrK
settling down now...enjoy going to work le...as in many doubts are cleared,fears overcome.played more with the kids,end up they 'attacked' me...lOlz...they were just being playful baz...haha feel younger with them eh!lOlz...coz sometimes they will just come to me and tell me about themselves or where they went for the weekend and lotsa interesting stuff at home.quite sweet.and dano its fated ba..i didn't bring my key on wednesday..have to wait for mum before i can enter the house,so i decided to stay on at the child care,nowhere to go anyway...wednesday is a colleague's turn to stay back till 7pm...and shez the one i feel quite unsure about...haha then at 5.30...coz we were playing in the computer room then,she was like "eh ni bu yao hui jia ah",then i explained...then ended up chatting till quite tou qi...think the ice is broken...feel good.anyway...now kaeden tan's improved alot,his smile damn nice...then we will tease him "eh handsome boy"..then he will be shy,cover his face and smile...eeyer...haha...then mrs.lee calls him golden buttocks coz he only allows the principal to wash his buttocks.ahha...hez not really "the" problem now...luke's getting...hmmm..out of hand...dano what hez thinking...its like he didn't even hear you when u reprimand him...hmm...dano la...
Angela's house
went to her house on thur...haha she was like "whey y u lidat de,i come le u shifting..."...hmm...i think we are still fated to meet...coz i'm supposed to have shifted at the middle of last year...and i still waited till now...which lets us still meet.hahaz,we full of crap la...hmm...feel that therez no age gap...but i ain't that young and she isn't that old la...though she still calls me nian qing ren...lOlz..she invited me to her house to see her wedding photos and install the messenger for her...haha chio la,and her husband quite shuai...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
why...i'm waiting for a miracle to happen...but its so impossible...so VERY!but it still seems therez this dim light of hope...but nobody's giving me any clue...
giving myself slaps whenever i think of the past...close my eyes begging thots to go away...yet will be reminded of it now and then...yu chun.yu ben.can only look at the objects which contain those memories now...if only...

28th jan

2005-01-28T21:44:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
today's angela's last day...mdm ang's last day too...that i found out only today...
early in morning she took the present upstairs to pass it to me...cOz the child centre is some sort like a bungalow...the prez is so nice la,yong xin liang ku,haha but she say she didn't sleep much last night...got photos and photo of rika-san*~haha kawaii nae!then i was supposed to go downstairs at nine to help out at the baby class where she was helping today...haha passed her my present...luckily she likes it.today,as usual,full of crap,but sorta...hmm...restrained.all of the teachers miss her...bi jin quite close...sighz...outdoors today,the jap kids mummy(s)came with gifts and a big bouquet of flowers to bid her farewell...i was so impressed...she must be a really good teacher for the parents of the kids to like her so much,the kids luv her too...and i can see why.in the afternoon,when she went to speak to each of her students,thought i saw her sniffing...think the students muz be quite she bu de...k1 only,what's more this teacher had been with them since they entered the child centre.she says she misses her class,sighz then why leave in the first place...hmm...anyway,muz help her ask the kids to drink water often le...not their teacher le still so caring...nothing to say,*thumbs up*...
haha lOlz,she chinese new year invite me to her house she teach me how to cook...though she still learning...hahaz..nvm we trial and error hoHOz...and she will gimme angbao,thats what she promised anyway lOlz...
next monday is the last day of january,i've started working for about a month already,things are ok...new experience everyday...everytime i walk home,i think...its yet another day...is 4 months too long and too yao yuan to be considered or issit too short becoz i will she bu de the kids too...the kids are really amazing,they can make u flare up at one time,the next day they can make u smile.
learnt lots about patience,love,tolerance,persistence,and to have a big heart.feel that this is actually what we should be looking towards in a job instead of the monetary benefits(secondary,haha but primary sometimes),i can see the sense of satisfaction in being a teacher today,that even when you leave,people show their appreciation.i feel the sense of satisfaction simply when that particular kid who had previously been defiant listens to ur explanation and does what u tell him to do (not kaeden,hez still as stubborn as ever)...can feel the sense of satisfaction when u see that sunshine smile on their faces...
think amidst all the unpleasantness...therez still sth to look forward to...quite apprehensive of going to work coz therez a colleague there...dano..her temper quite weird,strict...quite scared of her actually...hMmz...
its the weekend!!can rest and watch the vcd pauline lent to me...haha comedy...

sunday

2005-01-23T20:17:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

stayed home to pack stuff to prepare for the shift...throwing away lotsa stuff,the moment its abandoned at the rubbish collection area,the next moment its gone...*shocked*...while packing...tis the chance to look thru old stuff,flip thru albums,letters,yearbooks...the feeling's different from when i graduated fresh from the schools...even montage brought some memories back,hohoz and saw frankie's photo when hez a sec 1!!haha look veh different eh...hmMz...
filtering thru all my papers...saw tis envelope...not really sure i've seen it before...bright red (fav colour!)...after reading the contents,realised why i never opened the letter then,as usual,running away from facts,afraid of what my reaction will be...i'm sure the feeling will be different from what i feel now if i had read the letter at that time...it seems everything has a reason for happening (it always does)fated for me to read now and not then...everything's becomes so crystal clear all of a sudden...makes things much more worthwhile and meaningful...and it proves...for me...no matter wad...i'll always treasure something ONLY after i've lost it.never fails.feeling quite relieved surprisingly after reading his letter...feel comforted by his words.think can fang de xia le...glad to have found a friend in him.admit all mistakes i've committed then,hope it isn't too late to have realised that.see myself in clearer light...and hope to be able to stop myself from committing the same mistakes again...i can never turn back time...but if given another chance (shld nv take things for granted though)...i hope to be able to view it in another perspective.wondering if hez booked in yet?
i met angela today!!its too much of a coincidence...anyway,i thot the probability was near zero...probability of me not going to sentosa x P(stay home pack) x P(huiling called ask me out for lunch) x P(huiling miss bus) x P(walked huiling to other busstop) x P(walked back home in hdb area) x P(all timings zun)...=\...(miss maths?)...glad i saw her anyway...haha nag me y neh go home again la...actually had a feeling will run into her then before i really did...sighz if only everything was so accurate...going to kajiao her tmr...another monday...wonder what's in store...not really looking forward to gg to work,but not dreading it either...whateva...
went swimming...stood in the sun and chasing it as it set...din really get to tan...but had the impression i do look darker?ehheh..self-consolation...oosh...next saturday can really tan le...can burn some more...yAy..sth to look forward to...
...monday blues...

week 3

2005-01-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
i miss angela!!*sobz...crapping like mad..got lotsa rubbish oso.haha...then luff like siao..she luff at my hokkien oso...damn farny...its like i sortin papers for her,she "eh ah muay,eh sai bo?"...lOlz..then i stare at her...ponder abit...then start knocking my words out"eh sai"...lOlz...then she dano y luff like hell...ha...
sighz...going to miss her so much...stylo in her own way sia...going to miss kajiaoing her too...
went to help miss khee coz xie laoshi absent that day...miss khee's class is nursery 2 (3+ years old lidat)...quite cute...smarter too...but that day...dano y..haha nightmare started...
miss khee teaching halfway,then this ger...i forgot her name...jap ger...stood up and cried,the front of her skirt soaked...we thought she oshiko-ed(pee-ed)...then miss khee walked towards her like "shake head"...then realised...therez a big puddle of water in front of the ger...so its the ger in front who pee-ed and the ger behind kena...ohmanz..lOlz...ok so this ger's no.1.
then while miss khee changing clothes for these two gers...i was like trying to stop them from stepping onto the puddle la...haha and trying to keep them quiet coz they were laughing...haha..lunchtime...the kids went out of the classroom to queue up,only noiko (or sth lidat) sat there in a daze...then we looked at him...another puddle on the floor...manz...
then...lesson time again...sakura's turn!!and she pee-ed twice...no clothes for her to change...i brought her down then she told me she wanna oshiko motto(more pee),haha drink so much water?in the end i helped her put on a pinafore which is too long for her...look veh farny,cute too.ok..so that day...in total...8 of them pee-ed on the floor...gracious...like take turns leh...normally they know how to say...hAi!haha...
went into the sleeping room to be guardian of the day...make sure they sleep,cover blanket for them etc...was veh cold but cosy and dark inside,end up i dozed off for about 10 mins i think...hohoz...think i had a dream too...gracious..haha...next time hope i can go in again!!will bring a jacket this time..more comfy..kekez..
got this litta guy named jerome...veh farny...if he wanna go dabian..he will jump around and say i wanna pass momo,mo mo mo mo...haha at first i dun understand...then huang ran da wu rush him to the toilet immediately...haha carried him onto the toilet bowl..heng arh...otherwise who clean for him...
another week down...sighz...one more week angela jiu yao zhou le..=\...=(...*sobz*...
moving to sengkang on the 4th...

go away and shut ur crap.

2005-01-17T18:30:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

so very timely...throw some more i feel like giving u a tight slap.so old readi still act like some baby...don't show any of the teachers respect..who do u think u r...i feel like asking u to just "SHUT UP AND GO AWAY",but think that will cause a commotion and the parents will come complaining..yea yea...complain la!volcano boiling inside...veh xinku to tolerate and not explode...end up i clean up all the mess...@#$%^&*...one more minute in there i will surely end up screaming my head off...of all times to aggravate me...bad mood days.can feel my ears red hot.spoil my WHOLE DAY!makes me hate going to work...think tootz de more cham...coz the older they get the more tricks they've got up their sleeves...the younger they are,the more they wun understand what you are trying to say...ARGH...and ITS ONLY MONDAY!how many more moons to go...and i'm washing my hands off kaeden...@#$%^&*.think it isn't the job that i'm pissed off with...its certain kids...thank goodness it isn't everyday that these certain kids behave like that,as for kaeden,i dun care anymore,he can go bang the wall for all i care...like to bang so much go bang as many times as he like la...i speak softer they climb all over me...i speak louder they bs...i oso bs arh...i DMS!no wonder angela leaving...no wonder not many teachers can stay long-term.i 5 months oso complaining le...
think i'm too free too sometimes...coz sit there juz watch them its sorta like nothing to do...gives time to get angry and hu si luan xiang.rather bury myself in work...but yet...there are office politics to handle (tougher) if i tiao chao to admin...
think i going to get severe internal injury soon...what way to vent my anger......:(...

one more day!!

2005-01-13T18:39:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
yESh!i survived 4 days!one more day to my long-awaited weekend!!!yEshYeShyEsH...hOhOz...grace's right,i used to complain about being slack without a job,now with one want to slack oso cannot le=\.sighz...knew money was hard to earn long time ago,but its now that i understand and feel the difficulty...hAiz...
no job is slack actually,now come to think of it,though office work sounds veh good,got aircon and all...but its quite repetitive,and its paperwork,and com stuff...though must admit the pay is goot...!!>,<.i work 2 hours longer compared to 9-5...coz i got a 15-min lunch break ony...not one hour...hahaz,but managed to finish lots in 5 mins!!must be feed them feed until i hungry too...
now i'm with the k1s...noisier of coz,and more talking back...sighz...some veh whiney...every other minute will come and complain "teacher he say he don't like me"...=\...after lunch will still be looking after the youngest ppl in the center...argh..now see kaeden oso headache le...hez cute,but quite irritating in the sense that hez quite stubborn,so nothing goes in...for 9 days already...crying and whining everyday aargh...every teacher see him oso siam fast.funny,now he calls me jie jie...nobody taught him to...duhz...anyway...3 of the k1 guys...dano is they bu dong shi or wad...quite...mao shou mao jiao...=\.got shuaige in the class!!hehez,veh shuai,hez jap...name's shugo!!veh cute!gosh...now den see some really shuai de...but too bad...5 years old ony...hOhOz...the other jap guys oso not bad... honto...honto.the girls...hMmz...all are different...one of them...sighz...k1 le still i want mummy i want mummy...teacher dun go...i want you to sit there...then vomit...hAi!...
sadz,angela's leaving...seems like every teacher i talk more to will resign...no la...not coz of me...they tended their resignation before i joined...haiz...another person less to crap with...
travelling expenses...killing me...
watched meet the fockers on monday i think...hOhOz,martin look quite matured liao eh?hahaz...the show was damn farny la...hahaz,but abit that...hMmz...=x.spent some time catching up...feels good to just chat...*nodz*..
weekend weekend!!

8-1-2005

2005-01-08T14:00:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
hMmz,my first entry of the year.

coming back
farewell is SO difficult!!:(...sighz...mummy keep saying i so emotional,haha...not that i can help it rite.i ask her "how?", then she laugh.sigHz*~...will see my auntie soon,like few months later la...but it seems like ages to me*saddedz*...miss hk food,miss hk.watched shark tale on the plane.both my parents were sick when they came back...wonder what caused it.

cousin's wedding
this is the first wedding dinner i've attended my whole life...ulu poke.the bride was very sweet-looking,haha.someone i've never met before became my relative overnight.anyway,caught up with my other cousin,discussed lotsa things!and we had the same opinion about bgr;).the food was...umm...below expectations.even the specialty of the restaurant,sharks' fin,was not really that acceptable.sighz...oh,and i wore a skirt to the dinner,haha my auntie was like,yah la expected this is your first time wearing a skirt out la.hMmz.o.0.-_-.

job
mrs.lu gave me the job!i came back on the 4th and checked my mailbox,she sent the email on the 3rd...saying confirming my employment.woosh.but,my mood was terrible then,even so the next day,not really in the mood to start work yet,still,circumstances don't allow me to take a break to regain self.went to work in quite moody,and it was pouring that morning,=\,what a nice way to start the first day to work.the teachers there were quite friendly,crappy type.my assignment was to look after the youngest class,make sure they don't run about and stuff la,no bullying,etc. haha,there were quite a number of new students who need some time in adapting too,so i spent almost the whole time telling the crying and whining kids yes yes mummy coming already.haha the one who has the same bdae as me (kAeDeN is his name) very handsome sia!kekez,hez the most long-winded 2-year-old i've ever seen,he can say "i want to find mummy and daddy" (whining and crying) from 8.30am to 5.30pm and still going on coz i knock off at 5.30.but hez SoOo cute!when hez kept busy he will lose focus for a while,haha when hez crying i asked him to take a piece of tissue for me, he will go and take while crying.hahaz,then he will throw rubbish for me and stuff.lOlz...he will want me to wear his bag for him,then i let him wear and go do whateva he want,jump and whine i let him be.after awhile he will come pull my hand want go find mummy,lOlz.then he will come and tell me,"my bag very heavy",then he passes me the bag to hug it for him.whateva he have to do,we tell him,finish "this" first then we go find mummy,he then has the impression,"drink water then kaeden can go find mummy!",so he drinks and drinks.the kids in the class are cute too,rika(one of my favs),natsumi(jap ger,good frenz with rika),jerome(quite sticky to me de),kaeden,doni(look like jerry in tom and jerry,but very innocent and sweet),leslie(very smart litta boy,like him alot,but teacher warned not to get attached to him,coz he will stick)...haha and many more!oh,and i changed diapers,clothes,brought them to toilet and stuff,fed them their food too!...haha eRmz..new experience la...but very tiring,exhausted at the end of every day,only during weekends i get to rest for alittle while more.i get to wear whateva i like,casual preferably,cos dealing with kids,ooyeAhz..its only been 3 days,but feel like ages alreadiz...hMmz..haha thank grace for the recommendation:D.

29-12-2004

2004-12-29T22:42:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
on the 25th...maybe its holiday,flight frequency quite high...lOlz...saw planes queueing up to take off...its sorta like pearl harbour that scene where they take off from a plane carrier...nv seen this before in the past...haha...anyway,watched princess diaries 2...
reached in the afternoon,walked around after that...quite alot of activities...feels singapore is actually just nearby and its just like going out...morning flight rox...
wasn't very cold when i reached...now its 11 degrees...9 degrees is the lowest reached today...going to be colder the next few days...hOhOz...wandan le,going up some hill in the next few days...wearing quite thick clothing,feel clumsy,think kena banged into oso wun hurt at all...
had steamboat yesterday,so many things to eat!!prawns,fish meat,oysters...unlimited supply...having abit of a headache now,think its coz of the satay soup base yesterday...
like looking forward to coming back,either to study or stay,but its like...its all over again,starting afresh...know myself,not easily adaptable...apprehensive...hmmZ...see first ba...
i LoVe mY AuNtIe!!!!
hOhO,my cousin just gave me a prez...lOlz..wonder what issit...getting along better with her...:)...maybe we'll even work together in future ;)...
i dun wanna go back...few more days left...going to treasure every moment..
oh yAH!just learnt some HK mahjong..haha..though i won only twice in dano how many rounds...the interacting part is gOot...talk crap...lOlz...
getting late and getting cold...
i dun wanna go back....will miss loadz......:/
....god bless the victims of the tsunami disaster sighz.......

airport

2004-12-25T09:21:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
preparing to board...feel veh excited all of a sudden...lOlz...xmas...though dun feel like it...but atmosphere not bad...hMmZ...nice to be in the airport boarding area...wonder what would it feel like to reach hk again...
on the train...felt quite xinfu lidat...few close relatives coming to the airport...haha going for xmas dinner!:)always felt like home there...
haha some korean kids wanna play neopets le...an hour to takin off...
ta dayi ma!!

learning,learnt.

2004-12-23T23:21:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
may not get the job after all...but maybe its fortunate enough that the boss informed me early,haha whatz a temporary staff to a permanent staff..they won't have to trouble themselves with employing another staff for a long time...she says i may or may not get the job,haha but the odds are against me...and i know what's in store...but i nv know whats the reason behind this happening...
maybe coz of many incidents in the past,learnt not to expect much,or pin hopes,or to even be excited about things...must admit i'm quite disappointed,and i haven't expected much,having my reservations seem to be right.abit sad when i did not expect much,what if i was excited about it...hmmz...
i feel i don't dare to pin hopes,expect,aim high anymore...always leaving some comfortable room for me to fall just in case...high hopes,success,exist in my fantasies only i guess...fantasize,dream,yes...but don't expect these fantasies to come true...hope they do of cos...but...
just feel quite sian and boliaoz as i sit in front of the tv everyday every minute...don't wana do this for six months...wanna learn driving,complete my piano studies (where on earth is ms.teh)...
used to countdown the days to going overseas...haha,flying off tomorrow...dano why..cant seem to be as excited as i used to be...
do i aim high and risk falling hard or reaping good success,or not expect much so i wun face great disappointment should things not go as expected...the latter makes life quite boring though...
issit my luck or are things supposed to be this way...things turn out great when i least expect,and don't turn out that great afterall when i'm most confident...maybe thats why i don't expect much so that results will surpass what i consider "good".
argh...my eyes one big one small now...maybe didn't sleep in the right position...
lookg forward to watching princess diaries 2 on the plane tomorrow!play mario maybe...woosh la...
merry xmas and happy new year to everybody*~...*HUGz*...

what if...

2004-12-20T20:55:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
what if i had wanted a talk instead of initiating a...
i said i was unhappy...thinking back...i gave myself many excuses...what about not being ready what about not...
i was shocked at the speed things progressed,or rather it was what he said,how he expressed himself...it all seemed to bring across all the wrong ideas...most probably he didn't know that these had triggered things and it was me that never gave things a chance which ruined everything...most of it cos i have a huge obstacle to overcome within me...running away from reality is always what i have done,trying to pray everything will be alright the next second,and being unhappy when it doesn't...i learnt things do not work that way...18 years,i have grown up in a home where i do not have to worry about the basic necessities of life,supporting parents who have never used the cane on me,a life i know which is much fortunate than many others compared to those in the third world countries...what have i learnt about sense of security,i expect everything to be secure,i want to continue feeling secure...if i ever step on unstable ground,my first instinct would be to step off back to a steady one,i would never have thought of ways to make changes to this unstable situation so that i will feel secure.which almost explains why i would never advance to the next level...
2 weeks isn't impossible for a long-lasting relationship to happen.why can't i learn to accept facts...many facts which would have made life much easier,and much easier to face life and people.
vdae,i remember i wasn't feeling very well...kept wanting to go home.never good at making presents...thinking back=\.my heart was closed to the outside world...how come...insecure?
bdae,though it dragged on for quite some time...it was still difficult to get the msg across...remember vividly how i felt...mixture of emotions...felt tears wanting to flow...yet what i did was instinctive...what would have happened if i had a talk instead?i'm sorry...so sorry...
many things happened this year...made me realise...it isn't so easy...wanna change my character,my attitude towards things,and my mindset...i'm stubborn,stupid,selfish (reminds me of what miss chan always says to us...).on many occasions,being calm,taking things step at a time and being happy-go-lucky is very effective,and it makes life easier and happier...yet there are exceptions to this case...need and wanna change and learn how to judge and weigh the consequences,push back my instincts and face the facts...i need the courage to face reality...it is never easy,it is only now that i realise it is much more difficult than i ever expected...

Beautiful Sunday - Pop Lite

2004-12-14T15:57:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

12 dec!!AhhA woke up early in the morning to meet michele to go yuhua...loaded instruments up the lorry...and boy of all times to rain...anyway..its up and oFf!haha the room assigned to us was damn small la, lower brasses gers supposed to be in that room...12 of us...goodness gracious,heng some arrangements made then 6 of us left,so it became the euphoz and the basses all gals room,haha except SK came in once in a while,kena suaned by amanda haha...
the toilet damn nice!~haha carmen was so amazed by the shower room lahz...got moisturising bodywash and conditioning shampoo provided lOlz...if only we had a towel.haha,then the lightbulbs surrounding the borders of the mirror,heard someone's bag in a neighbouring room got burnt a hole...hAhA!
lunch was biandang,yay three cheers for juliana.still ok,except carmen and i gave our doufus to SK,lOlz,i thought it was bland.
when it was time to lineup at the backstage,lOlz,all of us suddenly wanna use the toilet,think tensed up then hAhA wanna dotdotz...lOlz,we saw thru some camera that the backseats,as in those behind the stage are empty...hMm..means not fullhouse=\...haha then some of us ran to the toilet.latEr,when the gates opened,heard screams and cheers,haha then we suddenly veh high...were seated quite long on stage,looking around,see how many people turned up,amazed coz all 4 levels quite occupied,though there were a few empty seats here and there at the stalls,hMm why cant people just move in so that more people can come in.haha then saw people entering the back-stage seats,yEpz fULL hOuse apparently..wOw 1600...but...considering that its free admission...hMm...yah...think typical of singaporeans...free stuff everybody will be going for it regardless of whether its of any use to them or r they of any interest to them,think the point is to get it is one thing,to enjoy it is another...there are some babies here and there letting out some strange eh-ehs now and then...haha heard from mummy one of them got driven out by the staff.
NSB was ok,think its a good warm-up piece,pia loud at the end veh shuang...first piece so full of energy...haha later jiu si le,tired...basically,think its most important that we ourselves enjoy playing for the concert...think this is the best concert i've ever played for.
had muscleaches after that,coz carry instruments,move,jerk,cue...instru heavy la...but long time didn't do all these le...not since joined njcsb...feeling quite good,see everybody move together...haha...think what miss chan said had an effect on us...aim to be different,we are yuhua and river valley,therez something that differentiates us,so do it,don't be ashamed.
haha don't think i'm playing for sparks 3...several constraints.hmm...going to miss the section...haha slacker section,people practising hard we eating fish burger and chit chatting...lOlz...yup,juliana,amanda,SK,michele and carmen...gg2 miss them*!~...

x|ex|e

2004-12-11T13:37:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

firstly,xiexie yulin (ger who always "rHodAs" the slope whenever she sees me) ahha...yUp...thanks for jie-ing the prom dress.though haha bit tight after i had my fill.i'M fAt!!gracious.lOlz...
now a grumpy afternoon,gg2 rain AGAIN!hAi...haha later going to band prac...so long neh attend liao,not pon,got valid reason ;).haha heng yesterday miss chan smiled and neh scold me when i asked her whether can go home ornot...lOlz...slept until 12pm this morning,still quite sleepy.now recovering,so coughing like hell,but its the end le haha!mum and dad at home...realised these days,like will laugh alot together,crack jokes,even lotsa funny stuff.feel we're much closer than before,hApPy!=D.therez much more to marriage,thinking these days,hu xiang rong ren,ti liang,and have to believe that love is the greatest of them all and flaws can be tolerated.hMm...ou er quarrel jiu hao...haha...neh quarrel not healthy...
gotta upload photos le...come back to blog later...
tAtAz and tOOtz...

10/12/2004

2004-12-10T14:39:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~
wah...how long neh update liao...lazy...
quite busy these days,dano busying myself with what some more..seems there is so much things to do...so many things to settle...
4 dec: bAnDfESt...band C's the best out of the 4 bands.think their lower brass support is good...(haha got marlom michele youzhi leh)...;)...the conductor's also quite nice to look at,as in the way he conducts...haha toOt said he can jump higher than *ahem* hAhAz...hOhOhOz...din really get to enjoy the high part of the concert la...sian...quarrel..i oso dano wad m i quarrelling about...sighz,maybe in this case,not being too smart is a fortune,coz i really didn't know what happened,sha ren you sha fu?*~went to jp to eat with the juniors after that and missed the last train,boarded the last bus fortunately ha.

8 dec: pROM nItE...ran around looking for stuff la...haha pk and i complained of sore legs,haha from shopping...wE r tErRibLe ShOPpErS,stamina not good enuff...
was fun la the event...the lucky draw numbers announced are all double digit la...what happened to the 3 digit numbers? kz...all of them veh piaoliang that night...everybody seems different...haha but its grad night.actually lookg back,jc life was fun...haha going to miss it,anyway...what happened to the band junior dedication?lOlz...haha we waiting waiting then the video jiu end le...sigHz!
the food was....far below expectations.hai...thot swissotel has a reputation to uphold...tsktsk...haha i remember the waiter's name...took away tootz's dessert before she could finish...tsktsk...
first time take so many photos and so excited about it..ahha...though think i look like cat...coz my eye liner drawn upwards...sian la...haha...and got one photo with nebula,my eyes ruby red...like those of rabbits and hamsters when u take photo with them...eee...
went to eileen's house overnite after that....played hotels...ahha...lotsa funny stuff la...

now whole body aching,sneeze,and got the piao piao ran feeling...lOlz...sometimes the giddiness feels good...but now the ache...hai...haha...think cant make it for band prac later...siGhz...

yAy...12 dec!!then 25 dec!!!!!!!!!!!!

a'levels r over

2004-11-26T08:44:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

a's are over..and i'm back online...haha not that this restraint has been going on since before a's...duh anywayz...sighz...think the exam's a flop...worst i've ever gone through...mentally and physically...yucks...>,<...sighz...keep thinking what kind of a future lies ahead for me...will i ever get into uni...senior said DDC or CCD (isit?)..abit difficult to gain admission to uni...=\...judging from physics...things don't look too good...paper 3 i did 5 qns when they asked us to choose 4 from the 6 given..nopez its not a careless mistake...i chose 4 initially,then the last one on analogue,i had zero confidence,had more marks to lose than what i was sure i could do...it wasn't a small risk to take,anw,went on to pia fluids,the first proving qn i COULDN'T DO!!mAn it was so easy de,o'level stuff and i was stuck,mind block,started to panic,anyway got it over and done with in dano how much time,had about 15 mins left,then i went back and did the momentum question,finished it just in time,chose to give up the analogue question and handed in the 4 questions,felt so bad,wasted my time,if i hadn't choose that analogue question in the first place,maybe i could have completed the proving question and added some confident marks to what seemed so miserable...its the only paper that brought tears to my eyes...only paper in such major exams...thought the worst i've gone through is just depression for a few hours,which is for like almost every single paper...=\.design paper,can anyone tell me what material do we have to use for the 2nd question,is there a specific material or do we have to specify ourselves or issit just general,MATERIAL?if i assumed a specific material,isn't my whole question a goner???it was a sudden realisation this morning the first thing that came to mind when i opened my eyes=\...release of results is 4 months away...
thought i'll feel relieved after all these is over...but i dn feel as excited as i expected...is the pressure not great enough to let me feel the difference after it has been relieved?or have i yet again not put in my best...seems i can't bring myself to mug...attention span too short,determination too weak...haha...but at least i mug more than o's la...
watched the incredibles yesterday...it rox...especially edna/edma?the econs lecturer look-alike...haha i luffed like siao whenever i saw her..think nebula muz think i'm mad...jackjack rulez too...haha...remember o'levels...the last day...we piaed to wezmall to watch harry potter too...a'levels,also wezmall for the incredibles...haha...
wanna look for a job now...seemz temp staff cant take long leave...hai...maybe i'll have to forgo a trip back home...dn want those 3 5 days that type...at least 2 weeks...so...think after i resign then i make plans...first and foremost...get a job...
thought of growing up...LoLz...reluctant...no more uniforms,school rules...but a much more complex society...apprehensive of things...hMmMz...
pRoM...dYe hAiR!!...wOrK...

exams

2004-11-03T11:36:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

stressed...can feel the pressure...fear of not being able to perform...though seems pointless to worry about anything now..since GP's tmr =\...can't help feeling panicky...hmmz...
feel like getting out of all these asap...think the pressure difference providing resultant force outwards...gawrsh...even in my dreams i think of ways to hydrolyse fats...balance equations...
i wan it all to end soon!...9 more days of papers...

181004

2004-10-18T11:39:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

been a long time since i last blogged,didn't think i really spent that much time studying...more of watching tv.school has officially ended since last wednesday and we're preparing ourselves for the final exam which is what we've been slogging our heads off for these two years...it seems just like yesterday when i've just completed my o'levels...time n tide waits for no man huh...had farewell assembly today...what made jc life so special...i would say its the experiences,both pleasant and unpleasant ones,the thinking process...our class wasn't united,everyone who bothered to notice would see,there isn't any effort put in to unite the people together.can see ms.lim is trying to,but sad to say,to no avail...nobody bothers to put aside our differences and just come together...neither do i.i'm tired of all these stuff since sec school,but the situation wasn't that bad.trying to adopt a "let it go" attitude...seems happier that way...no point tearing over people who dn even care.saw many classes taking classphotos,cheering when their class photo was screened during the small video clip where the teachers gave us their best wishes...even when people asked us to have our class photo taken in the hall,we were so indifferent and heck care...think ms.lim was sad...could see her disappointment.
i wasn't in the mood to be high...eyes were swollen from last night...i used to consider myself fortunate...never imagined that this day would come after what happened before...this happiness was painstakingly built up after it was destroyed 8 years back...i was affected,but too young to be aware of things.things crashed down on me the day before,so much was witheld from me,so all that was before me was just an illusion...a painful lie...i saw the hostility in her eyes,the pain of having troubles but not have anyone to turn to at that point of time in his eyes...what i heard made me bitter...but i was in no position to do anything.i hated the atmosphere...whatz the point of sitting together at a table when neither of us wants to deep down.'ve heard,witnessed so many hostilities in others',only now then i come to really experience the pain.
indeed,all of these happened so ever untimely,mrs cheng said to be able to boost oneself one should first adopt a positive attitude,to induce a "high"...i laughed within myself,so...means i'm never going to make it...
i thought i've changed,i'm stronger than before,more carefree than before as i'm able to let things go more easily...i have come thus far...yet...the tests i'm being put through gets so much tougher...i really wonder what's ahead.
i'm tired of hearing things like this is just a test,better times are ahead...i say this sorta things to ppl and used to think,it will bring out the positive attitude in the other party...but no...now i realised its all just on the cover,what's to happen next will depend entirely on oneself...i want to be strong,happy...after this ordeal,i just wonder what kind of person i will turn into...tough?strong-headed?determined?independent...
when things happen,i always imagine cutting myself off from other people,live in my own world...but i noe thats what i've always feared...so i won't...everybody needs friends,ppl who will be there for u to share ur sorrow,joy...glad i do...so glad...
but guess...this time...i will have to depend on myself to bring that happy me back out again...
feel like spending the night out after a's,or even have a drink...not to drown...but to feel better...feels good when the alcoholic effect gets to the brain...once in a while...should be ok...not about to turn alcoholic...yucks...

>,<

2004-10-04T16:29:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

so pissed leh...can feel my ears hot...blood boiling...so complacent,no thats an understatement...cant stand ur voice,cant stand the sight of you @#$%^...whateva for...we didn't do anything why muz u always have those xiao dong zuo and argh!ARGHARGHAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH spoil my blog...damn...2nd time in ages i'm so pissed...*sniff*...suddenly motivated to turbo pia...
in school...waiting for the chem organic revision lecture to start...if not for it i can go home hours ago liao lor>,<...sighz...couldn't do the last question of the worksheet...sorta discouraged...
reminiscing during bus rides,stoning at home...before i fall asleep...felt i was so xinfu so xinfu before...was wondering how come i get to feel so happy...impossible that its all an illusion...hmmz...wonder what caused the change in me...seems i got so used to it that when things took a turn i wasn't adapted to the sudden change and just broke down...apparently seems to be ok since then...shld be ok...or m i consoling myself...anw...fRenz are 4eva...things gotta move on...
today don't seem to be a normal school day to me...seemz like those extra remedial lessons teachers force us to come back to school for...din go for the two maths tutorials today...holiday mood...but starting to mug...starting so very slowly...lets just hope i pick up speed and finish the race in time...
haha starting to plan things in december...lotsa activities lidat...haha so excited...just treat it as end reward for finishing my a's...not so much as to reward for a job well done coz...nth is absolute=\...*pray hard*...

mAmMa MiA

2004-10-02T13:33:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

watched mamma mia on thursday...didn't really know what was in store...anticipating and expecting something good since there were some really good comments about it...but it was fabulous...deeply impressed by it from the second it started...till now...really don't mind paying to watch it again...the plot was quite simple...but it was the way they presented it that caught our attention.....sorta like the sound of music...i felt for it the same way i felt for mamma mia...maybe even more for mamma mia since it's live...haha...i wanna watch again!!>,<...abba rocks...luv their songs...and the all the female leads in the play too...haha the males...*ahem*...haha overpowered by the females...yAy...girl power~...the atmosphere was great towards the end...there was mass dance and they sang dancing queen and mamma mia again...sofie danced so well manz...most of the audience stood up to dance...AhHa...i wanted to...sighz..but sandwiched by my parents..and my circle not manee onz de...saddedz...if got chance i watch again surely go with some onz ppl...wahaha...*standing ovation*..cLaPz!!!...MaMmA MiA rOx RoX!!

ahha...prelimz are over...results...seen improvements...passed subjects...but not really that satisfied coz its the last test before the alevels...quite worried...esp. physics and chem and maths,aiya...all subjects...*siGhz*...but nonetheless...got improvement jiu hao...at least not say work for nth...continue to strive...haiz...hoping for the best for alevels...determines future le....pls *_*...

haha then replies:
eileen: hEhEz...ya i'm feeling much better...only will have some weird thoughts occasionally...generally ok...thanx ger...thanx so much for being there=), u oso muz kaixin okz?...*sMiLeZ and HUGx*~...

benjamin: hEy boy...haha really long time no see! how ya doing...Olevels starting soon eh...haha u pia for O's...i pia for A's...all the best kz :D...tk gootz care...cYa aRd sOoN*~

wanda: yUpZ...haha link u too~ leave ur blog add behind yahz:)...*sTaRz* and more starz...cya in sch*~...

weather cheery today...and i never got to swim...HnGz...hAi...wanna exercise leh...think getting old...if dn start will have difficulty starting in future...wanna da qiu...but like nobody to da with...played tennis during free period with nanping..but still haha the balls dano fly to where...too much strength...2nd time playing watz...cycling...go buy a bike...

got many mosquito bites...killed many mosquitoes..therez another around here which bit me dano how manee times...couldn't catch hold of it...shook one hard in a bottle of water just now...and drowned it eventually,took quite some time...=\...

mumz out...finish some exercises...watch tv...school's for another 6 days perhaps? mixture of feelings...to feel sad coz the class is parting soon...or to be happy coz no need to face tutorials anymore...miss people=(...

gOoDluCk for PrELiMz for J1s*~...ALL the bEsT for MuGgInG fOr O's and A's takers*~...

........

2004-09-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

suddenly tonight...feel really bad...urge to come and just air everything...
hen tong ku...but why...i dano the reason...thats wads making me suffer...have to be happy...yet can't...thot shld
sickening...parents keep chasing me in...>,<...

cd cd cd

2004-09-26T15:23:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

wahz...so excited...busy compiling all the songs...ripping all the cds i've got...so that i can burn them all into one cd!wOoOsH arh...

the dress-to-impress workshop tmr...sick...not lookg forward to it...paid 10 bucks...still have to dress up? let's see..do i have to report for assembly...no way...anywayz...hai...just settled for something simple...sick...not i didn't make the effort to go shopping...just can't find that something i want...duh...

don't feel like going to school tmr...had such a wonderful long break...tues,wed,thur,fri,sat,sun...and hehez...this tues another holiday!RoX!...

hmmz...what's happening nowadays...saw 2 frenz quarrelling, another friend troubled...ppl ard me,having sad experiences...prelims are just over,another sprint to finish...why does everything always have to happen either on holidays or pre-holidays?? everybody has their fair share of problems,i do too...hmm...thinking i should slow down, instead of pondering over my problems which i think,are yet again as long as i relax,will go away,so its betta that i be there for my frenz with a listening ear,the ones who need my attention more than i myself do...hais...
feeling ok these days...still as rubbishy as ever...

ovEr

2004-09-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

prelims are over!...sort of relieved myself from all the exam fever even before the exam's officially over for me...didn't really have the mood to sit down and study for physics or maths anymore...oh brother,anyway,its over...so happy and cheery after physics...hmm...getting back the results next week...dun expect anything good/decent...i just hope to pass...pls...just let me pass...
life after prelims...its just a temporary break...have to pump in fuel to get prepared for the next major war...zhi xu cheng gong bu xu shi bai...muz get started soon..otherwise wun gain momentum quick enough to be in time for everything to be completed before i set off for the battle...
slackg these days...packg stuff.realised,now feel so different...not that wild about going out,the need for company...being alone,be it to sort out thoughts or just to have some quiet relaxed undisturbed moments to oneself...it feels good...playing the piano alot more nowadays...
got some important thoughts to sort out now...get it done before prelim results arrive...or it will be troubles...n more troubles...
wanna play badminton lehz...=\...just play at home...whack the wall...or maybe i go swim tmr...hMmMz...

so long...

2004-09-15T19:12:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

how many weeks neh come online le...paper 3's for all subjects ended today...a break tomorrow and here comes paper2s and 1s...sick...paper3 wasn't exactly motivating,encouraging...sighz...and veh disappointed in myself...gong kui yi kui...maths...many questions...simple!but careless...see graph wrongly la, minus wrongly la,forget to divide by 2 la...so equals to zero for all these questions...and its not just a FEW questions...sighz...why...what's going to happen to my A's...chem...organic chem,i spend so much time on it...end up i can't do a single question=(...physics...fluids...had only 20mins to complete 30 marks worth of questions...what the...hai...and had allocated quite sometime to fluids...and what happened??=(...seems like this is just another setback...paper2 and paper 1...hai..the percentage of paper 3 is quite big...hopeless...
mug hard for a's...
study zhi yu...mugging zhiyu...still felt something i nv felt before...either that or it has been a long time since i felt this way... feel happy, contented.sometimes just feel,what did i do to deserve this...
so its true that...ji xu zhou...xinfu hui gen zai hou tou...
not to be taken for granted...neva to be...:)...
agents have been bringing people to view the house...have to sell this house soon...spent 14 years of my life in this house...shared happiness,bliss of the family,witnessed unhappy events...frankly speaking...i will miss this house...still find the new house too mo sheng and hostile...and its very convenient here...in future...sighz...
continue mugging for rest of prelims and work hard for a's!*~...takecare everybody...

tOt tOt tOtz...

2004-09-04T13:23:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

so manee things happened lately...
hahaz changed things with an email..though took quite a number to get the msg across,or was the first one successful already?hMmZ...glad we clarified things...well...at least no more doubts/guesses/silly moves...hAha...
take things S-t-e-p at a time...hehez...this time shld be skipping happily ritez...anywayz...pReLiMz zui impt...mugging...going at a slow pace...steady ornot i dano..hai...just studying blindly without any schedule or wad...just hoping that i will get to finish the syllabus miraculously somehow...lOlz...
anYwaYz...letz c...31/8...:)...teachers' day celebration...hAhA...was betta than last time la...though still no breakfast...got to play with the band...!!so exciting...i played the shaker..isit?dano wat issit called...lOlz...din know it was so tiring...lian4 muscles AhhA...EiLeEn n pEeKAe oso got play...AhhA...seniors go crash their performance :p...
went to seoul garden...treat ms.lim...hAi...quite erxin...coz quite alot of food was spoilt...the beef was sour,end up all the food on the bbq plate was sour..contaminated...then the taupok oso sour..YuCks...the potato salad cannot make it...hahaz..then since there was really nothing to eat le...joanne and samuel started baking noodles...add soy sauce and garlic...lOlz...joanne's one became "noodle pancake"..hAhA...samuel's not bad!...though later some remains of it dried up and that portion of the plate cannot use le...=\..
talked to joanne about lotsa stuff...hehez..."my sentiments exactly" =)...thanx ger
tt dae was jl's bdae...went to eat swensens...he treat la...hahaz martin,francis and benson was there too...quite crappy coz they got lotsa farny stuff...hAhA..din eat though coz had my fill at seoul garden...
1/9...went to kbox with eileen youzhi sixun victor...hahaz...quite fun..though room quite small...mugged later...on the way home...eileen n i started talkg in her language..den laughing like mad...the man beside us was frightened i think..thinkg we're mad or sth...so he shifted to another seat...wahaha...v.farny...
todayz saturday...hv2 mug le...mugmugmug...muz go offline after i publish this...otherwise i sure online till mid-afternn...AhhAz...
fOoOd cheM...

tOo PeEeEekAAe

2004-08-26T15:25:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

eH dEdIcAtE oNe enTrY to U!...hApPy bDaE gEr...LeTz c...how long have we known each other...*ahem*..2 years? been after last year senior stepdown then we got to know each other betta ya! hehez...yUpz u the forever busy QM and i the slacker treasurer,though when problems arise its like eRm...YuCkS...ahha anyway...been so great to be in the committee with u!many times,when we got exco meetings arh,activities planning arh...awmanz...u always there to light up the event...jokes,CrAp!hEhEz...but u are a great fren...(YuPz)!haha also had so much fun laughing at ur interesting stories lo...of coz referring to the hilarious onez...:)...sighz...now that we've stepped down,also had less contact with all of u le..but nVm!gOt SeniOr'S fArEwELL!...can envision how much fun we gonna hv...hEhEz...all the best for ur prelims k and of cos the a levels...and three cheers to all the fun after that! mAy u stay happy,cute,chio and free of worries always...hApPy bDaE gEr...bElAtEd if u saw this later:)...*HuGgGiEmuAcKx*

wednesday

2004-08-25T10:23:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

bio prac today...so its a break from school.prelims for me start tomorrow officially...GP,physics design.GP is unstable...shan't talk about expectations,what i expect always turns out the opposite,and when i expect the negative stuff,it doesn't...@,@...
came online mainly to research for GP,awmanz...can't stay here for long...listening to BBC,didn't know it can be so interesting,but as for leisure purposes,not for me...
feel somehow relaxed now.slept pretty well last nite...i don't know what's in store,things may have taken a turn,but i dano what i should expect...not the time to think about it for the moment.at least now i don't feel all that lost,at a loss of what to do and think...i made a stand (hope it does stand), and put it aside for the moment...feels great.however,familiar scenes,songs,conversations will stir up emotions and thoughts...
aiya i dano la dano la....sickening...y muz things be liddat??y cant things be simpler??
GP!!!!!>,<

180°...

2004-08-24T22:22:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

everybody's into mugging now...feel therez a 180° change in attitude...used to pon lessons,not pay attention during lectures and tutorials,heck tutorials,crap during free period...now...everybody's pulling up their socks...even if they pon it is to do some more mugging at home...i feel quite lifeless...ti bu qi jing...stress getting to me i guess...dn remember feeling so bad before the O's...heard clazmates saying how hard they mugged for O's...maybe i did and forgot...or i'm just more aware of things now...
suddenly very afraid of the prospect of going out to the society...to join the working class...the world's so much more complex out there...would rather study...meet deadline for assignments and stare at chan mei yoke few times a week instead of slogging my guts out and facing all kinds of people...
A's...prelims...
class...get pissed early in the morning everyday,and throughout...though pissed just for that moment...dn care at other times...other problems starting to surface...sickening...hate to be called "sticking with his gf"...have a feeling...something's going to explode.soon.
GP on thursday...
m i ok...ya i hope so...

things are nv wat they seem

2004-08-23T17:47:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

i'm sorry...things were nv fair coz i nv told you anything.i made this choice because i felt it would be better this way.sorry that i had to do this to reduce my pain and urs eventually...i hope things will be over soon,and it will not be as painful.its cruel to u...but i know that tis pain compared to if things turned out the other way,it wun be that bad.this nv made me feel good...reprimand me if u want to,i wn blame u...in fact.....it will make me feel better...sighz
i dano if i'm making the right choice coz i nv knew what u were thinking...i just hope...things will be ok...yet problems will never be solved coz i'm running away...but...eventually one day i have to face u...den i shall take it as it goes...
if this is the right choice, how come i'm feeling so down...zhou jielun's jie kou veh nice...but the lyrics are sad...its so coincidental that songs i listen to always portray how i feel...amazing...everytime.happy and lively songs surprisingly...i skip the tracks...find them...too noisy...want some peace...playing only those 3 tracks...track3,6,9...
prelims coming...fren saed...even if u cant concentrate...u HAVE tO...well...i hope to...and hope so...
good luck to all for prelims:)...and mug hard...a's will be over soon...

sorry i forgot...

2004-08-16T15:56:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

was looking for my baobei box...in it contained many things i treasured,letters,small notes...yupz and a small little notebook given to me by my very close fren for my bdae this year...sat down to read it over and over again...
contained memories of our frenship,every detail meant so much more...worth reminiscing always...realised have been so foolish...how could i forget...
therez really many other things to be pondering about,to look back,to spend time on,to be happy about...
it has been so cliche...look on the bright side of life,everything happens for a reason,don't be sad as a day spent sorrowful is equivalent to a day to be happy wasted...
but when we ourselves meet obstacles,run into problems,how many times have we been able to practise what we have preached...
i'm one of them...
i sink into depression when i have serious problems,already an improvement compared to last time when i'm sensitive to many minor ones...there ain't many serious ones now,but enough to make me think about this and stop to ponder about how come i always forget there are many other things that are worth my attention...
i may not be able to look on the bright side of things when i have troubles...but now i will constantly remind myself...i have frens,wonderful frens,a supportive family...who will hold me when i fall...and there are frens who i have to be there for too,i can't go down...
things don't look that optimistic to me now,but i feel better...
to my fren: sorry,last nite u were haha...very happily talking about =D...yet i...hmmz...sorry...

now i think this way...wonder in future,if i do have troubles again...how do i remind myself...maybe i will forget...and remember again...so the cycle goes round...and round...

"It's really amazing when two strangers become the best of friends,but it's really sad when the best of friends become two strangers..."
sad..but if it has to happen...hAi...

worth it

2004-08-16T12:11:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

worth it getting myself sick...

worth it coz i finally experienced how someone felt...

worth it because i felt happy before...

its worth it...bcoz its supposed to be the greatest thing of all...

not worth it risking my results just because i cant concentrate

not worth it bcoz everything's destroyed overnight because of that one happening...

not worth it anymore...bcoz things are not the same anymore, what's past...past.

wo bu gan xin >,<

pain

2004-08-13T21:53:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

throwing up blood...considerable amount...in the mornings...increasing amounts every morning...too heaty?
nose blocked,chest pain=>lung problem?
body failing...
memory power failing..
StReSs!>,<

scary

2004-08-13T21:34:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

different...
totally,frighteningly...different...
hate it this way...
would rather things stayed the same...
changes...happening around us...have to accept
but when it happens too drastically,its difficult...
felt everything just shattered....
for now,i'm hiding,running away
not a long-term solution
but it will just have to do for these few months
dn wanna sit down to think about it...
my studies are already doomed...
why do things have to explode on me now,of all times...
sian!
what i feel,natural reaction from within,wn bother to cover...
i'm SiCk!...

another day

2004-08-13T14:47:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

had blocked nose and swollen eyes this morning,xin qing chen zhong...exceptionally quiet today in school.first lesson free period,couldn't get any of the QA facts into my damn brain...just hope that those that got in wun fade away...
PE,din do much,clifford doin his napfa,just went to kajiao abit since joanne doin her rounds with her fren...nanping talkg to ms.chue,i was like...nowhere to go,just wandered about,hid in toilet,splashed water on my face...
the day just went on...like it always does...
really think joanne very poor thing...time we did something...itz like...she wn express her discontent,thatz the problem.sighz...nopez u not invisible...still got us k=)...
realised,i dn talk much about my personal stuff to my clazmates...unless itz regarding THAT or school-related...how will they feel?itz not i dn wanna say,itz i dano how to put the msg across...
people do change,drastic change,gradual change...everything changes with time...but do we have to accept any change just because IT HAPPENS?...quite sick of it...hope i can pick myself up quickly...thanx martin for the consolation and all...wonder how u can come up with all those analogies impromptu...=)...i'm taken aback by the drastic change,shocked and heartbroken to a certain extent...no point brooding over it,juz thinkg...how untimely everything seems to happen these days...very affected all these while...
got nothing more to say,just that...how nice would it be if things never changed...y cant everything juz freeze in time...just one happy moment,one glorious moment,i'm satisfied...
the weather's fine today...it threatened to pour just a while ago,if only all my troubles and unhappiness can just go away like the dark clouds did...
having a sore throat,blocked nose...tomorrow...another day...
13 days to prelimz...

bass'04

2004-08-09T22:35:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

BaSs'04 RoX...luv u guyz*~

v-nite photoz

2004-08-09T22:33:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

v-nite2004 album...

missing u...

2004-08-08T22:21:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

thinking of all my frenz...sighz...looking back,rv days,j1 days,njcsb days,months ago...
happy moments,elated,sad,tears,farny,crappy,stupid,dumb,embarrassing,grand,speechless,jumping for joy,pure joy...=\...*sighz*...felt nostalgic today...wadz happening...

miss all of u....

dunno what to say anymore

2004-08-07T13:56:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

com back on track,free of that damn virus...but that prevented me from spending long hours infront of the com...forced me back to my studies...now i don't even feel like writing anymore. when i'm happy,i'm delighted to share my happiness...when others are troubled,i wanna be there for them, support morally if not able to help...
school, generally ok...friendship problems,i'm washing my hands off it...no point getting all bothered about it and neglect my studies which is of course of utmost importance for this period of time.my econs,mrs.chung dn allow me to drop coz my results ain't bad enough>,<...oh manz...i didn't attend lessons for three weeks already,with mr.lee's permission of course...what m i supposed to do...
mrs.tan says,she's experienced,she knows what shez doing,u think it through ya...nv felt so comforted by a teacher before...shez one teacher i would never have imagined i would turn to for advice...but that day showed how experienced she is,haha,and noe when shez supposed to be serious;)...one of the few teachers i truly admire throughout life in njc...
mr.lee...not supportive,apparently he doesn't care,i wanna drop,he say ok lo,i can't drop,he said "then take lo,they've already done alot of work,u have to catch up by yourself very quickly,if u dano anything ask your friends."not really what i wanted to hear from a teacher...but he still added before he strutted away,if u still dano anything,u can ask me also.that was it,what i expected to hear,but i was already too sad and uptight to be comforted by these last words...damn...
friends: dn worry k...talk to ur mum,ask her talk to mrs.chung,if she still dn allow,da bu liao u dn come attend lesson,and eventually not turn up for any econs exam,dey can't do anything...
i'm consoled,but i still find it difficult to be at peace with myself...hate things hanging in mid-air...

my mind: generally happy...apprehensive (;p) about the future definitely...taking things StEp at a time...*bounces*...

studies: argh...jiayoujiayou!!...physics have to get a C!!mr.tan set that target for us..if not have to attend remedial...chem...PaSs...maths...D?...not much time left...have to pon sch few days...hahaz..so can mug!...

com files all deleted,no songs no nothing...wn be touching the com for a long long time...sch,home,mug,sleep,sch,home,mug,sleep...sch...home...mug...ZzZz....

the future...hMmMmMm....

com

2004-07-30T21:55:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

still not working!!...why everything not working...tried mugging today...ended up watching 2 hours of tv...a 4h15min paper...not completed yet...tomorrow got rv alumni band prac...nth's arranged...dano what to do,dano go where,how to take instrument...nothing planned!...quite pissed...
had a strange feeling today...felt that i've juz attained some enlightenment...xiang tong le...seems so,coz i felt light-hearted...to know what i really want,and decide what's before me is not what i desire...wonder if this is genuine,or is it just to temporarily untangle the knots i have inside...it may come back later..it may not...but it did before...hmm..nobody knows what's in store...
hmMz...wonder how did the canoeists do...
mug mug mug...sianz...actually never felt this mugging experience before...less than a month to prelims...S|gHz...
to my frenz:xiexie for encouragement=)...yupz have to work hard le......
i really xiang tong le?

StAy tHe SaMe - JoeY McIntYRe

2004-07-29T19:59:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

Don't you ever wish
you were someone else
You were meant to be
the way you are exactly
Don't you ever say
you don't like the way you are
when you learn to love yourself
you're better off by far

and i hope you always stay the same
cos there's nothing bout you i would change

i think that you could be
whatever you wanted to be
if you could realise
all the dreams you have inside
don't be afraid
if you got something to say.
just open your heart and let it show you the way

(*chorus)
don't you ever wish
you were someone else
you were meant to be
the way you are exactly
don't you ever say
you don't like the way you are
when you learn to love yourself
you're better off by far

and i hope you always stay the same
cos there's nothing bout you i would change*

Believe in yourself
reach down inside
the love you found will set you free
believe in yourself
you will come alive
have faith in what you do
you'll make it through

(*repeat chorus)
though there's nothing bout you i would change
don't change..

[always quoted this song,yet never really showed the contents...yupz...dedicated to u=)baozhongz...]

virus

2004-07-29T19:40:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

got infected by a virus...indecent one sumore >,<...si biantai...still send to so many people in my name...haiz...*apologises*...
couldn't come online the past weeks...didn't want to anyway,(usin my dad's com and the keyboard is damn tough)...and could spend some quality time studying...didn't watch tv either...achievement...really going to be a mugger soon...(ms.loh's definition of mugger:dn eat,dn bathe,dn watch tv,...only study)...got bathe and eat la...
v-nite was over...hehe...the juniors damn chio!...the gowns ;)...yupz had so much fun..esp. when donaphan stole the "ostrich egg" from the saxes...lOlz...and had to drink barley concentrate as punishment...lOlz...though he poured half of it into the potted plant...poor thing...going to miss them so much=\...luv all of ya!zhiyong,donaphan,crystal,youzhi,shujun,anusha,queen*esther...=)...
though now supposed to be mugging...feel that i'm not accelerated enough...distracted by thoughts,thinking too much now...thought my condition was better...but...some msgs killed me...=\...i still don't know what to think...the most obvious aim is of course to complete the revision exercises,faithfully attend revision lectures,do independent self-study,finish all tutorials,consolidate all information,try to memorise everything and hopefully i don't forget them when the time comes to throw everything up...but...something's holding me back...something's missing...
now feel like forgetting it and just move on...it takes longer to forget it then to pick it up...and the process is much tiring and draining...the current situation shows that to forget it is the best solution and the safest way...some would say itz the cowardly way...but i can't afford to get myself down at this point of time...A's are too impt to screw up...YET WHY CAN'T I JUST GIVE IT UP???? =(...sick...

(sj,pls tkcare k.......)

angry

2004-07-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

this entry was damn vulgar before...i published it for half an hour...all i saw was red red and more red...realised my language veh fluent when i angry and swearing...and words come easily...can express myself better and with more ease...
summary of what was in the previous entry: why can't you just mind your own business...u r not even involved..y bother...hurling sarcastic remarks...when you don't even know what exactly happened...buey tahun!
things stagnant...i not sure what's going on...adopted neutrality stance actually...apparently itx not steady enough...think people pushing all the blame to me...maybe coz i look more "capable" of making trouble? isit?...>,<...why can't people look at both sides of the story before passing a judgement....F is wrong in judging...but neither can u sae ur side is correct about us...currently things have just become too complex to be absolute about anything...sighz...when is this going to end...
nearly got knocked down by a motorcycle today...close shave with death...lucky enough to have just scraped through...was in a daze...kinda in shock after that...
school...getting draggy...and tiring...revision lectures...hai...dun get to go home until 7...how nice...veh tiredz...every single day..how to pia studies at home?=its as though everybody just entered another phase of life...the mugging phase...life seems different...perspective or aim i guess...hai...dano wad i thinking nowadays...
want to be happy....want to...very much =\...

wanna buy

2004-07-18T15:42:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

a new backpack!can put lotsa things de but dn look too big...my sling's killing my back =(...
pencil case...haven got an ideal design in mind...gonna look around
cross-training track shoes...my high heeled nike going to break my bones someday...now is just some muscle tearing and bone-cracking...hate the sound of it...was like...oh sh*t on friday...PE lesson...FLOORBALL AGAIN...hai...suffer at least one casualty every PE lesson...tmr therez another pe period...wana buy new shoes...shopping*~!
pants*~...
lotsa clothes*~
pens...
anything nice...

sian

2004-07-18T15:20:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

todayz sunday...did quite a bit of work yesterday...to me it was an achievement though it still isn't considered "acceptable"...hmm...muz work on concentration...did physics just now...9 pages of revision exercise...felt tired and sian...the questions starting not to make any sense to me...or is my attention not at it...i'm not yet done with physics...quite a few more papers to go...but like doing these more than tutorials...hope will get the drive to go n work later...wasn't feeling very well...
my molar...something wrong...i wear my retainer every night...so why is it that it still hurts...thought i felt a gap between that molar and my other teeth...hMmZ...dropping?brush too hard? or another wisdom tooth coming out *screams*...sickening...so many teeth for wad????
xi wang yue da, shi wang yue da...hate it when people get my hopes up and leave me hanging there or maybe let me fall...but now learn not to expect too much from everything...wondering if its good...coz therez no strong motivation or determination to accomplish something..i just let it go as it is...sad it is...but for self-protection...wn get too sad...but they say...do something with all your heart so that you won't regret not putting in ur best later...hai...so mao dun...=

short day

2004-07-16T21:43:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

things weren't exactly going well this week...unhappiness in class...not feeling very blue...but not very happy either...just...taking things easy...seems that it didn't really work coz things still has to be settled somehow...just wish it will be ok...let time do its wonders...
wednesday was AGM...to sum up a year's work in 3 mins is impossible...but each word still means to much...hMmZ...feel weird...like...last yr we were the ones listening to our seniors...now we're doing the summing up...one year passed just like that....nostalgic...
today short day...didn't really do much work...n didn't pay attention during chem tutorial...was doing my maths revision ex...hmm...wanna work hard to finish all my tutorials and revision exercises...dn wanna lag behind...n wanna work my way up...emerge victorious...hv2 jiayou...*nod*...
not thinking too much these days...feel loads better...but think those thoughts will come back...i noe they will...coz...i can't control it...
watched sa dance performance tonite...splendid and impressive...envious too...can never dance lidat...the music was abit too loud...but the qi4 fen4 was there...the sa ppl veh supportive of their sch events too...sch spirit...nj leh...sgHz cannot make it...
yup enjoyed it...i'm happy...n dun need special things to feel happy...simple stuff...=)...

agm report

2004-07-12T17:54:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

done for my treasurer report except for one last income list...PP report..hEhHeHz..ohno...
hmm...anyway...treasurer's report...there wasn't room for me to fake...realised...actually i do have many things to write..things that are worth reminiscing,and to be happy about...etude in terms of the sales wasn't a total success,but the bond fostered between the members was. the treasurer work scope wasn't exactly pleasant...but had really good times with the fellow exco members...
to end office with AGM...its sad..and abrupt...but at least we get to thank people whom we want to express our heartfelt gratitude to...
the day we step down...how m i going to feel then...*wonder*...^,^

b|sHeD

2004-07-12T17:18:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

early in the morning got bished by a full-force floorball right on my left eye...haha...ball deflected upwards,hit my eye and threw my head back...lOlz..for a moment thought i was going to fall backwards...teary...but guess it was ok...now abit swollen..haha...hope tmr..pls pls dn get a blue-black patch on my face=\...
some unhappy moments with fren...hai...didn't speak a word to each other...given our character...think we won't talk for a long long time...maybe never...its only a small matter,why blow things up,if she thinks its worth it to end up in this situation about something so trivial...i got nothing to say...np asked me today...how come i don't seem affected by it...maybe i am..but i choose not to...happier..i told her exactly this...she agrees..and we're happier..haha farny...
thanks for the letter fren...really touched...and sorry for being late..hehe...yup..haha letter sent to "my heart"...=)...
like poles repel......think its valid in life only when stubborn poles,hot headed poles...etc. come together...used to think it applies to me...but i guess that is only temporary even if it does...
worried for my studies...going to mug hard le...yup...mug together...=)...

happy...

2004-07-11T13:13:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

elections yesterday,though some rather unhappy and unexpected events happened...it didn't ruin my whole day...thankfully...congratulations to the new executive committee=)...
new and old excos had a long talk with mr.ho...i think talked for about one hour...or longer?seemed like years to me...hai...have to talk to zy about it...hope to convince him...*nod*...
doing my accounts after the talk while waiting for the phone call...lOlz...had great time playing with eileen and yunqi...hahaz...bring back memories...impressed with yunqi and her improvisation skills...*oosh arh*...believe she will make it big one day:)...haha then my hp charging at percussion area,i working at table at the other end of bandrm...hehez..then got msg...sms tone is underthesea de theme...coz i cant hear then yunqi used the synthesizer to play out the tune inform me...cute...but later dn hv msg she oso plae o_0...hahaz...
was in an extremely good mood in the evening...maybe just pure happy...:)...can lighten up my mood in just 2 hours...hehe...long time didn't feel this great le...maybe have been too stressed and moody the past few days...hope happiness will last :)...for all my frenz too...=D
got agm report to pia..2 reports...sighz...feel like venting all my frustrations,apparently teacher-incharge want us to give general comments...i interpreted it as no criticisms...sick...watz the point of agm...anyway..i fake one more time on wednesday and thats it...hv2 write fake report later...=many things to do...hope to accomplish at least 70% today...
Thank you Martin...haha for everything=D

...

2004-07-09T15:03:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

got involved in this problem...i got nothing to say...got reprimanded for nothing...i dun see whatz the link between prom and not thinking that frenz are important.prom is not the only time frenz can have a gathering...out of nowhere...these irrelevant links just pop up...but surprisingly...i dun care...frankie persuaded me to go for prom nite...actually i was ok,going...now...not anymore-__-...
sorta having a cold war...not talking...wonder when will all these end...thank goodness i was in a not-bad mood when it happened...
irritated with wishy-washy people...and hate myself for......most probably it has all been self-induced...think have to start protecting myself,or maybe all along i've not even opened myself up for fear of hurt,and feel vulnerable...haiz..betta wake up,stop dreaming...*slap*...

take for granted

2004-07-08T16:33:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

friendships were smooth-sailing on the whole all these years...fortunate to have my parents...have seniors who care...gui4 ren2(s) to aid when i run into problems, not really the one who was hurt most in relationships (not taking this for granted...)...basically had everything going nicely...it was never this difficult becoz it never really happened this way before...(except at the end of sec 3 when i had a huge fight with my friend...)...now that this has happened...it is quite a big blow...affected my whole life...which used to be filled with laughter,crap every moment...had brought upon myself a heavy load that is not that easy to be let down as it is to be carried...
pondered about this these few days on the morning bus to school......

rebuttz...

2004-07-08T16:20:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

did something i have always wanted to do but never did have the courage to...was very unhappy with the teacher-incharge yesterday when she commented about the nominations,not that i have a problem with the year1s nominating as well...but the way she puts it...shez trying to put across the msg that the seniors are just a bunch of useless freaks with no sense of judgement at all and are all out to ruin the juniors by nominating incapable people and we dun care a damn because we are not going to be the ones who will suffer next year...trying to win favour from the year ones? rebutted...never in my life i would have imagined i would do that...esp.to a teacher...anyway...realised all the teachers have nothing good to say about the band these two years...maybe all these years...they just so good at putting us down when they are just sitting ducks when the band has problems and the exco needs their support and advice...anyway after wednesday...service is over...had enough...
had a feeling things between us are going wrong...but i dun seem to be so bothered anymore...from past experiences,i will usually try to make things right...to no avail of course...but now...i dn care anymore,she don care le i guess though shez just irritated,aiya got him she wn be tt bad.one straightforward and blunt,the other irritated but couldn't do much...just let it go as it is...if it heads for the better,good...for the worse...i'll take it as it goes...feel happier this way...but i'm already worn down by enough problems...tired...
realised i can crap,joke and laugh as usual when with frenz and when i want to...but when i'm alone...thoughts start to run wild...

band...totz...

2004-07-07T22:48:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

during chem lect todae...wanted to pay attention... but couldn't concentrate,this lecturer was the best...had wanted to at least absorb 50% of today's lecture...wonder if i did...the notes were neat,quite proud of them actually...haaz...copied lots,understood the contents...but somehow,can't seem to just relax...and...i'm tired,very tired...
got back maths paper...i didn't expect much...didn't know how to describe the feeling,ms.chan said with a sarcastic smile "less than 10 ppl passed and the highest is just a C"...-_-...why can't she just keep her mouth shut...gai zhou de bu zhou...anyway..quite angry with myself actually...had a careless mistake...cost me many marks...will jump a grade...oh well..just stared at my paper today...feel strange...*dazed*...
chem...talked to ms.lim about my subject and how i'm coping...said my chem wasn't that bad...though she is the sort who will simply say things to make one feel better...i'm quite consoled...
expecting a "F-antastic" grade for econs...since i didn't study...or rather not much...as for physics...i'm ok with my mcq paper...but think structured kill all of us...if lady luck is on my side...i'm expecting at least an "O-utstanding" grade...sighz...
common test...evidently showed how much more work i have to do before mock,prelims and finally the A's...gonna start...can i start proper...just wonder=\...
new grade list:
A-verage
B-"forgot"
C-an do
D-istinction
E-xcellent
O-utstanding
F-antastic

thinkin quite alot...cant relax...emotionally,mentally,physically tired...exhausted...
feeling better...on the way to sorting things out...if i will ever reach there...

hu yiming said:"follow your heart and you won't go wrong..."...

i did...i am...i think...but why do i not feel right...

hoping for yet another better tomorrow...

changed

2004-07-06T18:09:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

i thought i'm the type who can't afford to lose...have to win everytime when challenged or when participating in a competition or just engaging in something...competitive...
i knew i used to be like that...but somehow..i don't
seem to have that drive anymore.when i saw her...usually, from past experiences,i will feel threatened,wary...now i don't...which i wonder why...its definitely not confidence coz i don't feel any at all...maybe now winning or striving to get something i want isn't all that important to me anymore...is it? then why do i feel so terrible still...i get the papers back...results are bad,*dazed*,results are ok,so wad?...wonder what's happened to me...hope its just temporary,coz i know this mentality will get me nowhere...
feel that i've changed...for better or not it depends...
in the past...every matter is a serious matter of concern...now...to me, i've learnt to put certain problems and ugly incidents i face, down...actually feel a whole lot more happier,coz i'm not bothered about those anymore... what i would sae...numbed actually...still, i feel its best to let nature take its course...regarding certain decisions, follow ur heart...

i'm supposed to feel better...which i did...but why do i feel so much worse now...?

|nSeNtIvItY...

2004-07-06T17:58:00.000+08:00

tO bElIeVe tO hOPe*~

nv tot it would happen before seriously...but...itz like...being an only child...have a need to talk to frenz about things...cant talk to parents about everything...and yet they dun understan...i'm talkg to my frenz,they say i talk rubbish...when i'm crying i couldn't tell them lest they ask this and that...then they presume i'm having a flu and reprimand me for not taking care of myself by turning early and all those stuff...sickening...the next morning...what used to be words of concern sounded as though they were an intrusion of my privacy...
just wondering...issit they who don't understand what i need anymore...or am the one changing too much for them to take...

thankyouz

2004-07-05T14:18:00.000+08:00

haha sae wanna spend whole dae designing myself...end up couldn't do much...this blog couldn't have been designed without:victor,martin,jialiang,maydesign?,thank youz=)...

new blog

2004-07-03T13:48:00.000+08:00

sudden want for something new...since have the time,make life easier for myself haha...hv the whole day to do the design and stuff*~ so excited...hope i find what i want...but not sure about how things going to work...going to learn on the way*~...but...haha limited time,at most 2 days arh...
od may be kept updated,but will look at whether i hv time ornot...

to all my frenz*~...just a simple wish...be happy always and treasure everything u hv=)

Fill my h3art with s0ng, and l3t m3 sinG Forev3r m0r3 . . .

mia

airport

thotz

sadz...

340am

dilemma

happy

or...

@,@

tired

so long...

week 2 down

week2 down

camp

changing

hard to forgive.but its not impossible.

dano how many months neh come le

22/4/2005

feb'04 for me,april'05 for her

fUn

HFM

19-3-2005

results

xin nian chu er

new hse

28th jan

sunday

week 3

go away and shut ur crap.

one more day!!

8-1-2005

29-12-2004

airport

learning,learnt.

what if...

Beautiful Sunday - Pop Lite

x|ex|e

10/12/2004

a'levels r over

exams

181004

>,<

mAmMa MiA

........

cd cd cd

ovEr

so long...

tOt tOt tOtz...

tOo PeEeEekAAe

wednesday

180°...

things are nv wat they seem

sorry i forgot...

worth it

pain

scary

another day

bass'04

v-nite photoz

missing u...

dunno what to say anymore

com

StAy tHe SaMe - JoeY McIntYRe

virus

angry

wanna buy

sian

short day

agm report

*b|sHeD*

happy...

...

take for granted

rebuttz...

band...totz...

changed

|nSeNtIvItY...

thankyouz

new blog

b|sHeD